The Moving of the River
by Kurisu
Summary: Light/L. Haunted by dreams of Kira, Light awakens, only to see a side of L he has never witnessed. This takes a toll on both detective and suspect, who had never planned on this in the first place...
1. The Ice Is Thin

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. But you knew that already.  
This is rated M for sexual situations, and some language, I suppose. I shouldn't have to say that this is a yaoi fic, so if it's not your cup of tea, feel free to exit.

* * *

_The ice is thin; come on, dive in  
Underneath my lucid skin  
The cold is lost, forgotten._

- Sarah McLachlan, "Ice"

In my dreams, I was Kira.

I heard screams and hollowed voices. I saw terrifying beasts and scattered pages. After the reel of hideous images, I revealed myself to the world, and to the police in pursuit of me. I proclaimed myself to be the god of a new world. Reveling in my glorious victory, I held L's lifeless body in my arms. My triumphant laughter would echo into the night. The detective could no longer touch me. No one could. I was greater than God.

And they would end, leaving a cold sweat upon my forehead. I made sure not to cry out. I did not want to alert L to my disturbing dreams, in fear that it would trigger his suspicions. Instead, I would awaken in silence, unable to fall asleep again. I welcomed the insomnia, repulsed by all that I had seen in that dark night. The nightmares felt real, as though they had been my own distant thoughts and memories. I wanted nothing more than for them to disappear. They were far too risky to have. The 'repressed memories' would be enough to convict me, given the chance.

That night, I did not go back to sleep. Instead, I watched L.

The detective sat next to me on the bed, wide-awake but working...as though sleep were merely a luxury. He was in his usual position: sable eyes fixed on the computer screen, lithe fingers moving rapidly upon the keyboard (stopping only to grasp a coffee-and-sugar-filled cup), knees close to his thin frame. His pallid complexion was visible in the darkness, like a fading star amongst the blackness of space. Staring at the man, I felt something ignite in me. It made me uncomfortable.

As strange as this creature was, I always considered him to be someone equal to my own greatness. Given the chance, he could surpass me. The thought was intriguing. I would crave that seemingly omniscient gaze of his, black and empty. I recalled his thin body in my arms, and shivered. His death meant that those eyes would close forever. Why would I wish that on him?

Moreover, why would I crave his gaze in the first place? What a bizarre concept.

I focused on the man and his laptop. His black eyes had softened, their usual analytical edge missing. I was sure my own eyes were deceiving me, most likely due to interrupted sleep. Was he on the verge of tears? It couldn't be. But this creature had no real emotions, and nothing to cry over. We all knew this. The man was unusual, devoid of anything that resembled human experience. What could he possibly feel? What could he possibly cry over? And yet, I knew that we were mistaken. We truly did not know anything about him.

He proved those assumptions wrong.

L's tears glistened in the cold light of the computer screen. They slid down his pale, glowing cheeks. There was no sob to accompany them. His eyes remained widened and still in the darkness. L shut the laptop, head bowed in defeat. I heard the coffee cup fall onto the carpet, the contents spilling. The man sat for a while, not saying a word until—

"Raito-kun."

He knew I had seen him. We both were caught.

"I know you're awake. You have been for the past two hours. May I ask why?"

"Sorry, Ryuuzaki. I didn't mean to—"

"Don't apologize."

I was curious, but I did not know how to ask him. To ask meant to probe deeper into the listless man. It would be pointless. He was private, someone who would not disclose information readily. I was certain that he would not tell me, the suspect of the greatest crime the world has ever known. L was much too cautious to let any of us know what bothered him.

What bothered me was that he never slipped, like that night. Did he want someone to know?

"I couldn't go back to sleep. I had a nightmare."

"I assume your dreams are about Kira. I hear you say his name many times throughout the night. But try to get some rest."

I was taken aback. A dark-circled insomniac was advising me to 'try to get some rest'? How hypocritical! But I lay back down on the bed that we shared. I was reluctant to travel back to the nightmares, but I would do as he said. Maybe he would let me know the reason for his tears. Maybe.

"Why not get some rest yourself, Ryuuzaki? It's obvious that you need it more than I do."

"There is so much work to do—"

"Why were you crying, Ryuuzaki?"

I did not expect to ask so sudden.

As expected, he did not answer. I had known too much already. My discovery had left its impact, though I did not know it at the time. I had found out that the intricate man was more than he let on.

L slipped underneath the thin blanket. It trembled with his movement. The cold night air seeped through the pores and the opening left by the man. I shivered. The detective lay down, covering himself completely with the sheet.

"Go to sleep, Raito-kun. Please."

He had let on too much that night. The ice would not be broken, not tonight. L would not tell me the reason for his tears and sleep-deprived lids. The eccentric man feigned sleep, hinting that I should rest as well. But there was no use. The nightmares and thought of L's hidden emotions induced my insomnia.

I doubt either one of us slept that night.

* * *

We pretended that his rare show of emotion had never happened, but I could hardly forget those tears. They were burned into my memory. L was not the stoic we assumed him to be. No amount of pretending could help his image, now that I knew he felt things. And it puzzled me that I cared so much for someone I hardly knew, though he considered me his first friend.

But friends hardly keep secrets from each other. L's biggest secret was his true identity. Isn't knowing someone well an essential part of friendship? It did not surprise me that companionship was a concept that the detective was unfamiliar with. Yet that show was almost a cry for companionship, for comfort. He was much too brilliant to let that slip so easily.

The next few days were awkward, uneventful, and frustrating. None of us had any luck in finding Kira. In the lack of evidence, L was restless. He watched me far too much, hoping to increase his percentage of certainty. That same omniscient gaze had returned, much to my chagrin (and at the same time, intrigue). I was bombarded with hypothetical questions. He hoped I would slip up somewhere, somehow. I wondered if it was the fact that I had witnessed a private event, more than being a suspect.

When he didn't watch me, L was silent. He focused only on his tasks and ate less. The dark circles under his eyes had significantly deepened. The officers shuffled around with paperwork and other evidence. They were too preoccupied with their work to notice the slight change in behavior. So it was, the last day of his silence.

The hum of machinery filled the quiet room. The officers, including my father, were gone for the day. The detective and I were the only ones that remained. At his request, we watched the surveillance video from the train station that Ray Penbar was killed. L's attention was fixed onto the screen, only broken to add more sugar to his saccharine sweet tea. His eyes were devoid of their usual dark light. I found it odd that I realized such a light existed, and even more so that I noticed it was missing.

"Raito-kun," he said, his attention unwavering, "you have been staring at me for the past eleven minutes. Do you have something on your mind?"

"Nothing at all, Ryuuzaki, I just..."

"It was nothing. I would rather you watch the video instead of watching me, please. This is very important."

His voice was cold and detached, hardly the tone he carried with me. I could not focus on the video. Everything about the man bothered me. It was unsettling. I did nothing but question the absent light, the subtle change in demeanor, and decreased appetite. It was unnatural, even for someone as idiosyncratic as L.

Despite his insistence, I continued to stare. The whites of his eyes were tinged red, the eyelids a bit swollen. He pretended to sleep every night since that night, but I doubted that it ever happened. The man was disturbed more than he would like me to know.

L turned to me once again, puzzled.

"Do you have some sort of attraction to me that I do not know about? If that's the case, Raito-kun, please let me know now. I'm sure there is something I can do about it."

Was that supposed to be a joke?

My face must have turned bright red, for his puzzled expression had faded away. A small smile played at the corners of L's mouth. I felt a bit offended. How dare he even _hint _that I was attracted to him sexually! I was not _that _kind of person! I turned away, attempting to focus on my work. L did the same, popping a candy into his mouth. I thought I heard a chuckle, and turned to the man. Chewing on his thumb, his dilated pupils bore into mine.

"I'll take your silence as a no. However, I'm grateful for your concern. I rarely have anyone pay attention when something disturbs me. But as I've said, nothing is wrong. It's nothing to worry about."

"You were crying last night. L rarely shows any emotion like that; therefore I have to assume something _is _wrong with him. Isn't that only logical? Or was it all some plot to reveal that I am Kira?"

"I still believe you're Kira. However, my rare onset of emotion was no plot, I assure you. It's only for myself, please understand that." He turned away, possibly regretting that he started the conversation.

"And you _still_ believe I'm Kira! Why would Kira even be concerned about you?"

"He would act concerned to reveal a crucial part of my identity, thus finding out my name. Quite simple. I thought you would have more sense than that, Raito-kun, but since you _are_ Kira, I suppose you would question it to throw me off."

His callous words upset me. I questioned everything. Why did I even care about him in the first place? I was his prime suspect and that would not change. Why did I think it would change? I was wasting too much energy on this. But it distracted me from the grim case, the haunting dreams, and the commitment I made to my father. That must have been what it was. L had brought something different to all this.

Before, I did not want to believe that he was _human_. And if he was human, L certainly was not normal. Any normal person would accept the concern of another person and tell them what was bothering them. But not L. His paranoia set him apart from the rest of the world. No, not paranoia...brilliant caution.

Brilliant. It was the definition of that man, no matter how intelligent I thought I was. My confidence and arrogance had seen his. If I were Kira, he probably would not have caught me. He would barely scratch the surface, but would see through it to the end. L would be a worthy adversary. It was quite admirable.

And it frightened me to think of myself as the murderer.

We watched the last of the video in silence. But I know that L continued to glance at me from time to time.

* * *

If there was anything I hated, it was impulse. The unplanned is never a good idea, especially when it manages to break everything you have worked for. Back then, I considered myself a very organized person who planned everything out effectively. I had my moments, but it was never anything serious. And as similar as L and I were, he was the one to submit to his impulses first...

That night, I awoke from another nightmare. The gore was enough to sicken me. In those dreams, I still held L's cold body in my arms. It was far too dangerous to dream of Kira, much less his enemy's death. I talked in my sleep. Soon, L would find out that I dreamed of killing him. I had to get it under control somehow.

And then, out of nowhere, he slipped.

"Your father is a great man, Raito-kun," said L.

He was at his former position, the laptop resting on his knees. He hadn't bothered to sleep tonight, much less pretend. I moved slightly, enough to see what was on his screen. Was he watching my father? Was L now suspicious of him?

The only thing I saw was a small, bolded word: parents.

As if he was onto me, L quickly closed out the window. He clicked on a folder mentioning the Kira case. He typed on the keyboard, the movement light, quick, and soft. There was no panic in his expression. The detective was perfectly calm. I slipped back to my original position and continued to watch him.

He was exhausted, that much was certain. Despite the dark circles, I realized I had never seen him completely exhausted before. I wanted to do something I never thought I was capable of, but I refrained. I would not give into that feeling, as strange and foreign as it was to me. I was the suspect for now. I decided to answer his bold and unexpected statement about my father.

"I know. I'm proud of him. He's brave to take on this case."

"You're lucky to have him as a father."

The compulsion was stronger, only because I finally understood. The truth was obvious. Of course L would praise my father. It was more than likely that he did not have one. And L never talked to any sort of family or friend, only Watari. That obvious truth had brought on the sudden tears, the sleeplessness, and the closure.

It must have been accidental. The L I knew would have been more cautious. The wall between him and the world would never allow itself to crumble. He would not have sacrificed the truth for a sick, temporary comfort. Either it was an accident, or a necessary ruse for Kira.

Before I realized it, I had taken the man's hand into my own. It couldn't have been a ruse. Those tears were never forced.

"Raito-kun..."

"Ryuuzaki, you don't have a father, do you? Or a family."

"That's not—"

"Just tell me the truth. You can trust me."

Pale, slim fingers closed the laptop. L turned to me. The probing gaze he possessed was gone once more. It was softer, sadder. It seemed as though the man wanted to cry, to scream out, and possibly to punish himself for revealing too much to me. I should not have known more than anyone else did. It was too risky for him, and the feeling was probably far too alien. In his twenty-five years of living, I was probably the only one with a desire to probe deeper into the genius known as L.

I could not believe I felt that way.

"I refuse to tell you anything," he whispered. "Not only because I suspect you, Raito-kun, but also because I don't feel comfortable doing so. Please understand."

My hand recoiled in fear. I sat up, wishing I had not touched the man. The moonlight shone through the blinds, unsurpassed by the city lights. I felt a slight tug on the chain. L had slipped under the covers in another attempt at sleep, eyes peering from the dark cover. I thought of a child hiding from a monster, and smiled. I slipped underneath as well, my own eyes fixed onto his.

"I don't understand you at all. It's not like I can search for you under that small amount of knowledge. Right now, I'm assuming you're an orphan. You have no family, and Watari is the closest thing to it."

L was silent, but did not take his eyes off me. He chewed on his thumb.

"Your assumption is correct. I have no memory of my family. And I have searched for them, but my attempts have been unsuccessful. That is all I'm going to tell you."

"Ryuuzaki..."

"If I die in the next month, then you are Kira. I should have been more careful. You shouldn't know about me more than I need to tell you. Even the task force doesn't know that I lived in England for five years, Raito-kun."

I sighed. "Why won't you let it go? You can trust me just as much as you trust them! As much as you would like an end to this case, I'm _not_ Kira."

"We are both excellent liars. Pity, really. If not for this case, I think we could have been good friends, Raito-kun."

"You're the only one lying, Ryuuzaki. You give us nothing but aliases and we know nothing about you. How do we know you're not actually Kira?"

"As expected, you will place me under suspicion to take the suspicion off from you." His eyes darted to a dark space underneath the covers. "And for some reason, you haven't stopped in your blatant attempt to touch me. Why do you do that, I wonder? Unconscious desire?"

"Ryuuzaki!"

I pulled back my hand. My face felt hot. I was sure he was smirking in the darkness. Consumed with confusion and frustration, I did not realize that I tried to hold his hand. I did not know why I even tried. He was nearly impenetrable, only allowing me to see glimpses in what might have been a sordid past. It was not just Kira, but something else. I supposed even Watari did not know everything about L. The detective made it far too impossible to get close to him.

And I had to control my movements. Impulses were far too dangerous, especially with L. I may not have been Kira, but any wrong move would send me to prison if he saw any motive in it. From the looks of it, he saw motive in nearly everything I did. I wondered if he said such things to push me away, to discourage my curiosity and refrain from delving into the mystery known as L.

"I guess I'm trying to comfort you, considering that you're hurt."

"What makes Raito-kun think I'm hurt?"

"Isn't it obvious? You're an insomniac, you focus only on your work, and you shed tears when you think no one is looking."

"It does not mean that I'm hurt. Possibly disturbed, but not hurt. But we digress. You feel the need to touch me in order to comfort me? You're probably the first person to want to touch me, Raito-kun."

Was that a suggestion, or was he mocking me?

"It's a simple fact, no intimation in it at all. I know that's what Raito-kun's thinking. But feel free to interpret that as you wish. You already know that I'm an orphan and have had very few close to me."

Very few close to him? Did that mean that Watari wasn't the only one? I couldn't stand talking to him. It all led to questions without significant answers. I would not know more than he would need me to know. I closed my eyes, not wanting to look into his dark eyes any longer. They made me uncomfortable. Worse, they made me question myself. But I opened them again. I looked upon the machine, taken aback by what I now saw. My view of him was...different.

I had never noticed that childlike, innocent, and immaculate face of his. As strong as his will was, it looked so brittle. An ill-intentioned hand could tear it apart, desecrate it, and leave him in endless tears. It would be no match for the frigid heart of Kira, who would not hesitate to break this man.

Those ink-jet eyes, however, were unyielding. L's gaze was one that would burn itself into memory. It was wildly bizarre, thrilling even, though they yearned to probe you for information. I fucking hated them so much..._loved _them so much that, even now, as I tell you all this, I would die again to see them in their blackened glory.

But I digress.

What was I thinking? I could not be attracted to L of all people! There was nothing beautiful about him. There was only the outlandish. His mannerisms, unruliness, and paranoia were enough to make me scream. The man was far too different for my tastes...opposite of me, even. Not to mention that he was _male_. I shook my head. Surely, the lack of sleep was driving me to insanity. That much was true. I must not have been thinking correctly.

I curled up, willing to sleep and dream again. The entire night, I thought I felt L's hand on mine.

It was then that the nightmares had ended, for I saw his figure in my dreams...elegant, upright, and smiling.

* * *

I did not dream of Kira those next few nights. But it was far worse for me.

I dreamt of L.

It was never the same, but the premise was always similar. In my dreams, there was no task force, no crime, and no Kira. No one else but the two of us. The world was glacial, barren, and dark. Nothingness. The vacancy could bring stinging tears to any human's eyes. It's possible that not even a shinigami could stand the thought of being alone in such a desolate land.

However, it was just us and no one else. L and Raito. Not Ryuuzaki and Kira. Nothing could come between us, interrupt us, separate us. We would cry in fear, but hold each other. There were no secrets between L and Raito. The only screams would be of pleasure and the joy of having each other. As macabre as the dreams would be (and frighteningly real), I would wake in hopes that they were real. I would touch my tear-streaked face, hating that he showed up in my dreams so frequently.

That night, I was tempted to tell him my dreams. I did not need a reaction or assurance that we would not end up in such a place. I needed someone, _anyone_, to tell me what it all meant. I went from killing this man to making love to him. I wondered if L had the same dream, or even something similar. But knowing him, he would find some underlying request. He would hint that I had feelings for him, as bad as that sounded.

But what else could explain the dreams, or even the need to actually touch him? It was the logical answer, as illogical as my dreams made themselves out to be. The stir within had to disappear. It was too provoking and disturbed me. The man was erratic, and I was sure he hated me as much as I wanted to hate him. His methods for everything were vexing, as was his personality. There was no identity attached to L. Misa Amane, as aggravating as she could be, would be a logical choice for a man like me. She had a real name. She had a real identity.

"You say my name in your sleep, Raito-kun," whispered that familiar, dead voice.

He never turned away from the glowing screen.

"Raito-kun, is there something wrong?"

"You disturb me."

I froze. I did not expect the truth to slip.

He pressed his thumb to his mouth. "I suppose I disturb a lot of people. I am rather eccentric."

"Eccentric isn't even the word. Anyway, I'm becoming too involved with you. Truthful, even. I should have lied instead of telling you that you disturb me."

I heard a chuckle in the darkness.

"I'm becoming too involved with Raito-kun. You're still a suspect, which is quite unfortunate. We're both in trouble, are we not?"

As he usually did those nights when he caught me awake, he closed the laptop. L moved closer to face me, his thumb outlining his pale, thin lips. I shivered from the intensity. His gaze was devoid of accusation and scrutiny. A once-absent passion flared within the dark depths. My unwanted feelings resurfaced. I felt short of breath. It was too much. It was too painful.

"Ryuuzaki..."

"You drive me insane, Raito-kun. This isn't allowed. This is unlike me. It's not rational. There is nothing I can deduce from this. I hate it and it depresses me. The five percent suspicion should be grounds to avoid you and arrest you like I wanted. You _are_ Kira."

"Then _do _it, Ryuuzaki! Lock me up, kill me, whatever you want! If that will truly make you happy and give you peace at night, then be my guest! You don't do it because you don't have _proof_, and that's because I've told you time and again...I'M NOT KIRA! If there is anyone that's been driven to insanity, it's me! I can't _stand _being near you night and day because there's nothing but your goddamn suspicion. So, arrest me, if that will ease both of us. I welcome imprisonment!"

My anger silenced the detective. He seemed afraid to speak, until...

"You're wrong, Raito-kun. Your arrest would not ease me in the slightest. In fact, I would regret having to send you to prison, of all people. You are my first friend, and..."

L trailed off, but it didn't matter. His feelings were now obvious. I wanted to forget anything this "human" said. None of it should have been the truth. Given his reputation for lying, maybe none of it was true. He acted like he felt strongly for me. For me, the prime suspect in the Kira case.

But why did it hurt me to think that it was all a lie?

Chained together, the truth was agonizing. Neither one of us could escape this room without being tailed by the other. We were together, regardless of what we felt. Hatred or love, that was the burning question. L turned away from me, receding into the shadows and avoiding the moonlight. I hated everything about him. I wished that he would disappear from my sight completely.

"Truthfully, Raito-kun, I have no idea what this is. I only want it to vanish. I don't treat you as I should. Please understand. Your concern and unbridled advances make this worse, so I must ask you to keep this as professional as possible."

I moved closer to him. "I have no idea what this is either. I want it to go away just as much as you do. But you can't tell me to stop being concerned about you. As uncharacteristic and selfless as it is, I worry about you. It feels incredibly wrong, and I realize that."

L nodded. "Know this, Raito-kun. I'm sure you have gathered that I would assume this, but I would like you to know what I'm thinking at this current moment. I conclude that you have feelings for me that you would rather not come to terms with. Whether it's my suspicion or my haphazard appearance is between you and you alone, but it may or may not be your intention to form a substantial relationship with me. I would like you to know that I am rarely incorrect, so I ask you to not be concerned anymore. That, and my emotions are so bent on overcoming my rationality."

"Ryuuzaki, do you—"

"I have no experience when it comes to this."

I felt that he was lying. He must have felt something before. For someone.

We had come so far in such a short time. The need to bring the L from my dreams into the open tore me apart. I wanted release from the feelings, the secrets, and the lies. My compulsion was greater than my will at that uncomfortable moment. I felt myself reaching for that seemingly frail body, wanting nothing more than to _feel _L beneath my fingers and discover things that were unknown to me. I wanted to dive under that skin to the world he shielded everyone from. I had never had such a want, a need that was almost _divine_.

My lips crushed themselves onto his, fingers tangled in his disheveled black hair. L was far too sweet, the saccharine taste teasing my tongue. His wide-eyes closed, relinquishing himself to the forbidden desire. I felt his body press against mine, and I was surprised to find muscle and thick flesh.

Before I could break apart from him, L returned my kiss with fervor. His need glided against mine, and a small groan escaped from our lips. The detective was short of breath. He pulled himself closer to me, until no space was left. I felt his warm, lithe hand slip under my shirt. It was then that I pulled away, frightened. I had never had sex with a man before, much less a man as unique as L. I was sure he hadn't done the same either. This was much too uncalled for.

"I'm sorry, Ryuuzaki. That...that wasn't my intention. I apologize. I don't know why I did it, considering that I have no idea how I feel about you. That, and it's much too awkward."

"I understand. It was not my intention either. I was not myself, forgive me."

Silence.

"I guess we should get some sleep, then. There's a lot to do tomorrow."

L smiled.

A genuine, _human_ smile that also burned itself into memory.

Would I die again for that smile, you ask?

Certainly.

* * *

_"Tell me everything, L. Your childhood, your teenage years, your cake adoration. I want to hear it."_

_He laughed._

"_You would like to hear that, Raito-kun?"_

_"More than anything in the world. It's just us now."_

_The world was no longer desolate. We had created something beautiful from it. The gardenia-scented fields, incandescent sunshine, and endless blue sky replaced the vacancy. Everything was lovely. We did not cry. There was nothing to cry about. All there was here was joy. And we had forgotten everything, even who we used to be. Nothing was ephemeral here. We had eternity before us._

I would have liked to think that I dreamt of the future. It seemed so perfect and beautiful, that to hope for anything else was useless. It was the pinnacle of my dreams, the mellifluous epilogue to the silent movie. But I awoke that morning to the cold, real world... a world with Kira, the task force, dying criminals. And with Ryuuzaki, the greatest sleuth in the world.

There were no exchanged glances between us those next few weeks. We maintained our professional relationship during the day. The only conversations we shared were about the Yotsuba group and the man suspected of being Kira. No one questioned it. Matsuda was the only one to notice the indifferent way L and I talked to each other. He chalked it up to the frustration of being with each other day and night, slipping in a gay joke every once in a while. L would give him a swift kick to shut him up, and that was that.

The nights were entirely different, sometimes ending in an unexpected kiss or embrace. We would then apologize to each other, but I never felt guilty for it. In confidence, L had revealed to me that he had the surveillance cameras removed, and the evidence of our supposed relationship destroyed. The only one who had witnessed our kisses was Watari. The old man was ordered to keep quiet about our night affairs, but told me that he hoped that I would turn out to be innocent, for L's sake.

"He would not want me to tell you this, and I'm breaking protocol for doing so, but it's been a very long time since I've seen that sort of fire in him," he whispered to me, serving L another cup of tea.

Watari knew that L had felt agony over me. I was still under suspicion. No longer did he sit up at night on the computer. Instead, he would stare blankly into the darkness, possibly pondering every single move we had made. I knew he hoped I was innocent as well. If not, L was walking into a trap that he could die from.

Most nights, I would fall into a dreamless sleep. The epilogue never returned, nor the desolate land. I would wake up to the darkness, longing for those intangible dreams, my eyes wet with tears. The only time I could reach him was in the unconscious. Upon awakening, I would see the shadow of L, hidden from everyone except for me. He gave me a feeling of serenity (but never sanity) amongst the hopeless void.

"Ryuuzaki, why won't you sleep?" I asked one night.

He was silent, careful not to reveal his feelings to me. He wanted to return to square one. At that point, it was impossible and foolish to think that it could happen. Not after the misplaced trust, secrets unraveled, and craved kisses. If I could take a shot at his thoughts, it would be that he regretted all that had happened between us, including the handcuffs. L did not know what he wanted more: for me to be Kira, or for me to fill his emptiness.

As though he could hear my thoughts, he spoke.

"I suppose you've guessed," he began, "that I have been thinking about all that I have done. I will be truthful in this, for I've never been so foolish as I have been, Raito-kun. Please understand that this was a mistake. It would be best if this did not continue."

I nodded, feeling a sudden pain in my chest.

"Then, we will forget everything that happened, correct?"

I could not wrap my mind around his abrasive words, so cold and so _final_.

I struck a blow to the man's face. L toppled off the bed, taking the sheets with him. The chain that held us together yanked me over the edge. I landed on top of L, hitting him again. I had never been so angry, so keen on _breaking that childlike face_. It caused me nothing but misery. Those fucking soulless eyes ripped me apart. Of course I wanted to forget every damn thing that ever happened, because it made me into something I was not. I would not have given a shit about anyone like him. But it wasn't going to happen, and for him to think that it could go away, that _I_ could go away was...

"You're something else, you know? You think that everything can be forgotten and disappear, like your fucking aliases? How stupid can you be? Nothing vanishes into thin air, _especially_ what we've done!"

"Raito-kun, you're overreac—"

"This is all because of your 'suspicions'! This 'Raito being Kira' shit needs to stop, because I'm sick of it! Had it not been for all of this, you would trust me and not need to hide anything from me!"

His mouth opened and closed, unsure of what to say. Dark eyes turned away from my gaze, as though it pained the man to see. L responded in a whisper, broken and shaking.

"As I have told Raito-kun before, it was a _mistake_. We can't be close because you are _Kira_, I am _L_, and having any sort of relation would only make the situation _worse_. Don't misunderstand me. I don't feel this way because I don't want to, but because I _have _to. I do not regret the tears I had shed in front of you, the kiss we shared, nor the...strange feelings I've developed."

The tears welled up, pooling into the corners of his bloodshot eyes.

"...I would very much like to believe you, Raito-kun."

My voice lowered. "Then do, it Ryuuzaki. Stop talking nonsense. We'll go in circles and never end."

"If only it was that easy, Raito-kun. It's nothing like we make it out to be," he whispered. The tears did not stop. It hurt me more to see their stained trails over the bruises I had given him.

I had hurt him before, but not when I felt _so much_.

"You should have fought back like you always do. With a kick and all that. "

"If only it was that easy."

L rose, his lips crushing themselves onto mine. I searched for that sweet warmth within, sliding my tongue alongside his. The detective grabbed onto my shirt, pressing himself onto me. I felt his prominent desire for me glide against my thigh. L pushed me onto my back. I was pinned against the carpet, our bodies feverish in their ecstasy. His lips moved to my neck. L's tongue darted out to tease the area, tasting it as he would a piece of candy.

"Have I told Raito-kun that he tastes quite good?" he whispered, chuckling.

"Ah, Ryuuzaki...I don't think I can do this," I managed to get out.

"I have concluded," he began, tracing my collarbone, "that we could never forget entirely, as much as we should. We will dream no more, Raito-kun."

We will dream no more? Was that..?

I moaned. The dark-haired man had unbuttoned my shirt, exposing my chest to the cold air. His mouth enclosed on my nipple, sucking as hard as he could. No, I could not forget, nor resist. That mouth was so talented and felt so _good_. I begged for more, those pale lips making their way down to my abdomen, hands unbuttoning my pants. I shuddered to think of what he would do to me.

And then that mouth made its way onto my..._oh god_. I bucked my hips into the hot orifice. I wanted, no _needed_ him to take me in. _Every inch of me_. But he removed his mouth to let his tongue run underneath my member. I groaned at his withdrawal, gripping his ebony hair in my hands.

"You taste so sweet, far better than any cake I've ever had. It's maddening," he whispered in the dark, his breath hot upon my skin. I shook my head. It was completely irrational to have sex with this man, especially after the fight, especially under these _circumstances_...

"This...makes no sense...Ryuuzaki...ah!"

"From what I've concluded, Raito-kun," he said, licking my inner thigh (to which I trembled and cried out), "emotions should not have to make sense. Nor does human desire, which is powerful in itself."

He was determined to make me forget that the fight ever occurred.

He took me into his mouth again. L savored the taste, his black eyes closed. I cried out once more. I had never received such pleasure from any woman. I wondered how L knew what to do. As though he knew what I was thinking, the strange man teased the underside with his tongue. My hands held the man's head firmly, yearning for him to take all of me in. L acquiesced to my silent request. I released into his waiting mouth, watching the odd detective drink every drop of my essence.

And he had seemed so inexperienced.

"Raito-kun," he said, licking the remaining drops from his thin lips, "as strange as it may be, I must stop here. I don't feel I could go on any farther for...personal reasons that I will not reveal to you."

I sat up, looking into the man's eyes. They seemed almost melancholic and thoughtful, as though...

I gasped. "Ryuuzaki, were you..."

He smiled. "No, I was not sexually abused. I know that's what you were thinking. Don't worry, it was nothing as terrible as that."

"At least, let me—"

"No, it's quite all right. Maybe I'll tell you someday, when I'm sure you're not Kira. It's a very long story."

I groaned. "We're back to _that_ again?"

L climbed back onto the bed, pulling me up with him. An awkward smile spread across his face as he lay down. I bent down to grab the sheets, now torn by our skirmish. I lay next to him. This time, we were inches from each other, with L reaching out to touch my hand. What had happened between us was beyond oblivion. Nothing would be the same, and we both had understood. I didn't know about L at the time, but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

"Though I wonder what would happen if Raito-kun happened to be Kira. Would you still attempt to kill me after what has transpired?" he asked, thumb pressing to his lip. "Of course, since I'm still seven percent sure that you're the one..."

"We should really get some _sleep_ now, Ryuuzaki," I enunciated.

"And considering that Kira is a cold-blooded murderer, he probably wouldn't hesitate to murder me for the sake of 'justice'..."

"Sleep, Ryuuzaki," I repeated, already aggravated by his theories.

"However, the onset of emotions could really—"

"God _damn_ it, shut the hell up and go to sleep already!"

But the dreams returned that night, non-sequential and frightening: holding L's body in my arms, the gardenia-scented field, the void, and eyes darker than the night.

* * *

A/N: What started out as a one-shot practice fic has exceeded my expectations, both word-count and otherwise. There wasn't even supposed to be _lemon_! Truthfully, I'm still a bit disappointed. I've left it open because I have thoughts for another chapter, at least one in L's POV. Because this was a practice fic, I have decided to make use of the easiest situation in the whole series: the handcuffed-and-Light-forgot-everything part. I plan for something much different in the future, trust me!

I have used "Raito", instead of "Light", to avoid conflict between the English word and his name...just so you know. And if you discovered any puns, they _were_ intended.

My greatest fear in writing this was making the characters extremely OOC. I'm still very new to this fandom and I've only just become acquainted with Light's overbearing personality and L's endearing quirks. Please tell me how I did; constructively, of course! I do expect that they've gone OOC, but it's to be expected with new fandoms. I will improve, I promise!

So, review! Should I make another chapter? Do you think L makes a better seme than Light? Was it cruel of me to interrupt them just as they got going? Say whatever's on your mind!

I also apologize for the seemingly bunched-up, non-indented paragraphs and dialogue. It seems that it hates my format!


	2. Driven to Distraction

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. But you knew that already.  
This is rated M for sexual situations, and some language, I suppose. I shouldn't have to say that this is a yaoi fic, so if it's not your cup of tea, feel free to exit.

* * *

_Trying hard to speak, and fighting with my weak hand  
Driven to distraction, it's all part of the plan...  
I dive in at the deep end; you become my best friend  
I wanna love you but I don't know if I can._

- Coldplay, "X&Y"

_Maybe he's not even human_, some would say. _After all, I've never even seen him sleep._

Those who have worked with me on cases have witnessed my incredible tenacity and dedication to justice. All hours of the night, I would be fixed onto my computer, communicating with officers worldwide. If there was a report, I was always ready to answer it. It was reasonable for them to assume that I have never slept.

But no human can abstain from sleep completely. It was illogical and necessary for human function. With chronic insomnia brings schizophrenic tendencies and hallucinations, neither of which was ever present in me. I found the notion quite silly. If asked, I told them that I merely hated sleep.

Why?

Because it was unattainable.

When I did become fatigued I would sleep, but it usually was about forty-eight or seventy-two hours later. And when I did sleep, I dreamt of my ghost of a mother, the orphanage, past criminals, and Kira. The images would swirl in my head, reminding me of every mistake and inaccessible desire. The whole sleeping process was rather unpleasant for me. Instead of resting, I took to examining evidence in bed, my bright laptop open in the darkness of the room. The case would be solved, no matter what.

I would always look over to the man sleeping next to me, to see if he was awake or not. Though he was my suspect, I felt a sort of comfort in having Raito next to me. I never knew why; I couldn't remember the last time I had slept with someone in a bed. I slept fine by myself. But I did not regret being handcuffed to him. When sleep finally managed to overcome me, the dreams were light. They often vanished from memory in the morning.

Raito would sleep half the night and then awaken, the names 'Kira' and 'L' harsh on his lips. I deduced then that he dreamt that he was Kira, which raised my suspicion of him. But I would not reveal that to him, not when he was so keen on talking in his sleep. He was still my suspect, despite our growing friendship (which should have been false). I could uncover valuable information from his unconscious. It was possible that his memory had not been erased entirely, if the theory that his power passed was true.

When Raito did wake from the nightmares, he would watch me. I could feel those soft, amber eyes on me. I pretended not to notice. His question was probably 'When does Ryuuzaki sleep?', the one asked by many others. I wanted to avoid that conversation as much as possible. Soon enough, he would drift off in slumber and recite the same names and murmured phrases. I recorded them every night and played them back in the morning.

Of course, you know the obvious reasons for doing so. But a part of me played back the recording to hear that voice again. The silkiness of it would make me tremble, my body burning with a foreign need. It was an uncomfortable feeling, but one that I had not felt in such a long time. I enjoyed it, and hated that I found enjoyment in listening to my suspect's voice.

And so, this continued, until the night Raito caught me in tears.

It was the same night that I had received that message from Watari. I suppose it's all right to tell you this now; after all, who could reach me from here? Anyway, Watari had finally stated his reason for not telling me about my birth mother.

"_It would be too dangerous for both of you, L."_

The elderly man had received a message from Wammy's House that night. Roger was the one to talk to her. My mother was actually looking for me, knowing that I had a connection to the orphanage. She wanted to know if the orphanage really was for her son, L Lawliet, and if I was the famous detective that dared to speak on national television. After all, she had named me. She must have made the connection. It was quite impressive, and I concluded that my mother must have known Watari personally. But Roger denied the relationship between L and Wammy's House, and that Lawliet was _still _dead. He had been for at least seventeen years.

Watari expressed his astonishment, for the woman was supposed to be in hiding and without knowledge of the orphanage's true intentions. In fact, he was convinced that she had passed away. He told me to reconsider any rash decision I might have had in mind. He refused to tell me her name. I understood that I could not ever know her name, nor meet and talk to her as Lawliet. After all, the child prodigy that lived with Quillish Wammy, who grew up regarding him as a father, no longer lived on this earth.

But the thought of her existence made the tears fall.

And as much as I wished he didn't, Raito witnessed it all. He began this forbidden cycle. I should have been the one to end it.

We both were fools.

* * *

After that short 'moment of passion', I found myself sleeping more.

My dreams were no longer haunting visions or memories. They were inviting, pleasant, and free of worry. Around me would be the quintessential paradise: there were no clouds to block the sunlight, the vegetation was lush, and streams trickled into crystal clear rivers. The dimmed hotel rooms that I found solace in were no match for that place. I was free. There was no Kira, no criminal activity, and no isolation. I found happiness in being with Yagami Raito, my memories of the murderer distant and without merit in that Eden.

_"Tell me everything, L. Your childhood, your teenage years, your cake adoration. I want to hear it."_

So, I would tell him everything. I mentioned my faint memories of my mother's voice. I talked about Watari, the talent he saw in me, and his desire to build the House in my honor. My first taste of strawberry shortcake, falling in love for the first time, and meeting Misora Naomi in Los Angeles. I told him everything, without ever feeling that I should not have said it. I was safe there. It was just Raito.

I would awaken to the cold light of day, wanting nothing more than to return. It had felt so good to _trust_.

As for Raito, he no longer mentioned Kira in his sleep. All I would hear escape from his lips in the night was my name...sometimes 'L', sometimes 'Ryuuzaki', or 'Ryuuga'. His dreams were certainly pleasant, as I would see a wide grin spread across the man's face. Raito would clutch onto me, angelic in slumber. Without fail, his face and movements would create warmth within me. I came to adore the feeling. It was the closest I could come to the utopia in my dreams.

It unnerved me to think that I wanted him so much. Out of all people, Yagami Raito was the one to create this stir. I suppose any woman would praise me for good taste, for so many seemed to fall for him at first sight. He was indisputably attractive, that much was true. But that was not the only aspect of the young man I found enticing. For me, I think it was an 'opposites attract' effect, as they say. Everything about him was systematic, fixed, and alluring. Yet, we were similar. Raito was the genius that matched mine. He was the only one who could say what I was thinking. Not to mention the amber-painted eyes that he would look upon me with, so sure of himself and willing to help.

For that gaze, I would surely live again...if only to see it in blinding intensity.

And his taste...but I digress.

Two nights before the Yotsuba infiltration, I took to searching for my mother. The thought of her at Wammy's House had never left my mind. I checked to see if Raito was asleep before opening my laptop. I felt fatigue tugging at my eyelids. I added five more sugar cubes to my tea, and brought the cup to my lips. I would put aside the case for five minutes. The evidence of my mother that I received from Watari was not very helpful, but it was all I had. Five minutes, and then I could go back to what was most important: Kira (though he possibly slept next to me).

One of the children from Wammy's House was gifted in technology. He was the one to give me my laptop. The defenses on the machine were superior to any security system in the country. I was thankful for such a gift, but at times like this it frightened me to search for personal things. What if they should find out where my family was? If they were intelligent enough, they could trace it back to a boy named Lawliet. Or what if they did not find out where they were, but instead found out about where I had been abandoned? I had put my faith in an orphan that could easily expose me to the world. I trusted the boys from the orphanage far too much.

After several minutes, a pair of familiar eyes stared at me from the screen.

My eyes, though they were not darkened underneath.

The last search pulled up a photo from a recent French magazine: _Les Maisons Merveilleuses_. Taken in Marseille, a couple sat in front of an enormous mansion. According to the magazine, he was a wealthy _Anglais_ who had taken the woman next to him as his wife several months prior. He had bought the mansion the previous year and married her in the ballroom. I stared at the woman in the picture, intent on finding out her identity.

The woman, no older than forty, had shared some of my characteristics: huge, black eyes, dark hair, and the congruent shape of our faces. But I did not want to believe that this raven-haired beauty was my birth mother. She was far too lovely, too graceful, and seemed too _normal_ to have conceived someone like me. Not to mention that she would have had to conceive me as an adolescent. Still, I did not push the thought completely from my mind.

"Ryuuzaki," Raito murmured. I tensed at the mention of my alias. I quickly closed the laptop. He was dreaming of me, and I was thrilled by the thought.

I looked to my suspect, crestfallen. I somewhat wished that the _Française _had been my real mother. I was certain that Raito found me grotesque, even for a man. The permanent darkness under my eyes, unruly hair, and pallid complexion were no match for his magnificence. Raito turned over in his sleep, as though he heard my thoughts and wanted me to praise him further. I caught a glimpse of his peaceful, seemingly angelic face.

"_Jamais je ne t'oublierai,_" I sang quietly.

I recalled the first day I laid eyes on the college student. I watched him through the surveillance cameras, looking for any hint that he was Kira. I began to feel a stir within me that expanded with his every movement. I concluded that it was anxiety, and thus nothing to be worried about. But the stir grew into a gnawing pain that never vanished. With it would follow despair. The feelings were made worse with Raito's presence, sharper with the sound of his voice, more piercing with his displays of intelligence and reasoning. I hated him at first, I will admit. I let him get to me. I was letting him inflict this pain upon me in a move to defeat me.

Until the night we kissed. And a part of me still loathes him for it.

"L..." he trailed off, lips pouted and inviting.

Hesitant, I bent down to place a kiss upon them. Raito mumbled incoherently, a smile on his face.

"That's for talking in your sleep, Raito-kun," I whispered in his ear.

"Unh...Ryuuzaki..." He began to snore quietly.

I took a piece of candy from the box on the nightstand. I popped it into my mouth, followed by a sip of tea (ten sugar cubes, just the way I like it) and a bite of strawberry shortcake. My knees held fast against my chest. I needed to think this over. More importantly, I needed to continue on the case. I turned on my laptop, pulling out all sorts of files and videos, searching for something, anything. But I found my thoughts turning to Raito.

The truth is that I never planned to _act_ on whatever I felt for him. That would have been idiotic. Being the first Kira, he would take advantage and sweet-talk me into my grave. At that moment it was probable that Raito had no memory of being Kira, or his powers had been transferred. But, as L, I couldn't take any chances. What if they were to come back, along with the memories of being my enemy? He would twist the knife until it could go no further. I would be finished.

At that thought, I recalled the kisses...Raito's velvet skin...his taste...his touch...the moans and cries. My breath was caught in my chest, a shiver up my curved spine. I did not miss the touch of another human being, but it felt _so good_ that I wondered how I lived without it for so long. A part of me longed to wake Raito up and insist on another spur-of-the-moment passion, however ridiculous it sounded.

"Ryuu..." murmured Raito.

I convinced myself that what I felt was psychological. I craved the companionship I had deprived myself of. I unconsciously longed to feel a love like Amane Misa's, to find someone who would help me leave that soothing loneliness. Any normal human would feel this way. And Raito stirred the deep-seated passion. I wanted and needed his presence to 'complete' myself.

Then, I convinced myself that what I felt could be scientifically explained. I would then couple with him in a mutual, monogamous relationship. After all, love was merely chemicals in the brain to further the human race. Of course, the exception to this hypothesis was the fact that Raito and I were both _male_, and neither one of us were capable of reproduction.

I began to question myself. Was I looking at this the wrong way? Could human desire, as powerful as it already was, be controlled?

More than anything, I could not let myself get carried away. It was wrong to even have a sexual relationship with Yagami Raito. If I did something about it, it would be for my own good. This man was not to be trusted, especially with what he knew about me. He would lead me to death: physically, emotionally, or both. And I could not afford to die in any way. I had to remember who I was and what my role in life was. I could no longer let myself go the way I once did, especially with Kira in the world.

I was L.

There was no point in forming relationships, whether they were old ones like family...or even newer ones, like Yagami Soichiro's son.

L didn't do things like that.

* * *

I woke up that morning, surprised that I had fallen asleep. I was in my usual position, hunched over my closed laptop, and _in pain_. With a groan, I tugged on the handcuffs to see if Raito was awake. His amber eyes fluttered open. The college student looked up at me with a grin.

"Good morning, Ryuuzaki. Are you all right today?" The same thing he asked everyday.

His sultry voice alone was enough to tear me asunder.

Being handcuffed together made certain morning routines difficult. The morning shower was especially one we would fight about. I would release him for his shower, but I sat in the bathroom with him until he was done. I insisted that he do the same for me. It was all rather awkward for Raito, but it did not bother me in the slightest. I just watched him until I finished my shower. But Raito would blush, comment on the situation ("Why the hell are you so strange?"), and grumble as he stepped into the stall.

But that morning, as I released the younger man, he took me by the hand. Those same entrancing eyes caught me by surprise. Raito bit his lip before closing the distance between us. I hated so much that I loved his kisses. They were enough to make me forget my purpose. I inhaled. His smell, his taste, and his touch were all so maddening. Yes. If there was one word to describe what he had created within me, it was 'maddening'. The man had ignited such a fire in me, as I had not felt since _then_. I wanted to take him into my mouth again, and drink every drop like I did that night...

No.

"Ryuuzaki, come in with me," he whispered, his breath against my lips.

"I don't think that's a very good idea, Raito-kun."

"Just once," he insisted.

Raito turned on the hot water. The steam began to fill the large bathroom, rising to the ceiling in translucent clouds. He loosed his shirt one button at a time, revealing the taut skin underneath. Raito chuckled, noticing that I had watched him undress the entire time. The awkwardness he usually felt had dissipated. I felt my cheeks become hot, hoping that _other _body parts would not follow suit. The man stepped into the shower, beckoning me near. I undressed quickly, not wanting to put on any show for my suspect. The last thing I needed was for this to lead to more than it should. I needed to be in control.

I did not trust either one of us, but I went along with whatever Raito wanted. My main reason for befriending him was to gain his trust and make him confess. Our friendship would be used to my advantage. Now that our situation had escalated beyond my predictions, I had a greater advantage. I could uncover more. Yes, I was convinced that the impulses were a blessing. All I had to do was maintain composure. This request of his would surely ruin my chances. I would not submit so easily to my 'passions', as I had several nights before.

Or so I thought.

I stepped in. Though the shower stall was quite spacious, Raito pulled me closer to his wet body. The contact was enough to make me shudder with desire. No, I had to stay focused. His lips brushed against mine. I felt his hard erection touch my thigh. I attempted to stand up straight (it was then I noticed that I was actually _taller_ than him), melting into the kiss. God, help me if he really was Kira, and I had to live without this!

Raito pinned me to the tiled wall. His tongue delved deeper into my mouth. The hot water of the shower was no match for the heat I felt within. I reached out to bury my fingers into his water-soaked chestnut hair. Raito made his way to the nape of my neck, the suction from his mouth leaving an apparent bruise. I heard moans reverberate on the walls of the shower, and realized that they were my own. I clenched my teeth. I was losing focus, and something needed to be done. Raito/Kira was not supposed to overcome me.

I was L.

"Raito-kun, I won't be able to cover that up," I managed to gasp out. He moved to blow gently into my ear. I shuddered, not expecting the surprising effect.

"I'll say that I hit you for upping your suspicion to fifteen point five percent," he said, laughing against my wet skin.

"I doubt they'll believe that. There's a vast difference between a hit from a bruise (no, no more, Raito, please) and what you have just given me."

Raito paused. He pulled away, gazing at me. I could not turn away from those eyes, or the glorious man that they belonged to. Tiny drops of water fell onto his smooth skin and decorated his hair like crystal beads. The steam surrounded us, and the man in front of me took in that warm feeling. Raito closed his eyes, his sighs deep and content. It was then that I noticed how _straight_ he stood, a great contrast to my askew posture. This man was confident, unyielding, and sure of himself.

In my mind, Kira would stand like that too.

I turned away from Raito, grabbing a bar of soap from the shelf. It was time to focus now. No more getting carried away. I lathered up, hearing the sloshing suds seep into the drain. My back was completely turned from the college student. He probably questioned this sudden change of behavior, but knew the reason for my reaction. After all, we were the same.

"What's wrong, Ryuuzaki?" he asked, a slight hint of annoyance in his voice.

"What exactly are we doing, Raito-kun? None of it makes sense. Like I've said before, we really shouldn't be doing this."

"It's not like we can take it back."

I felt his body closing in on mine.

"I can only blame your teenage hormones and my celibacy for all of these escapades."

"Could be."

I felt his hands wrap around my thin frame. He clutched my sex in his hands. I gasped.

"We won't be able to hide this for too long."

"The only one that won't believe us is Matsuda (you like that, don't you?), and no one ever takes that idiot seriously."

"I suppose...ah, Raito-kun!"

He held me in his slick hand, the length gliding between each finger. Several nights prior, Raito confessed that he had never been with a man before. It made me the more experienced one, much to my surprise. Yet, he knew exactly what to do to elicit a response every single time. Moreover, he had _deduced_ what was needed. He had found out what I liked, what I didn't, and things that I wasn't even aware of. It was more than I could say for myself, but I refused to believe that his intelligence was far superior to mine.

The thought, however, was alluring.

* * *

"You guys have been acting weird these days. Is there something going on that I don't know about?" Matsuda, as usual. The idiot grinned, hoping to catch me in some sort of truth.

"Nothing that concerns you," I replied dryly, taking a bite out of a Bavarian cream doughnut. My tongue lapped the custard. Raito watched me, his eyebrow twitching. He moved to where his father was, distracted by my eating habits.

"Really, Ryuuzaki, you can trust me with your secrets! I won't tell anyone else that you're involved with Yagami-kun! Though it would break Misa-Misa's heart to hear that her boyfriend is gay. But I support you guys, really!"

The idiot was much too loud. Overhearing his son's name coupled with mine, Yagami Soichiro shot a glare at me, one eyebrow raised. I took another bite of my doughnut. The last thing I wanted at that time was attention. Noticing the glare, Raito stood behind his father. He laughed. The father turned to the son, traces of anger on his fatigued face.

"What is all this about, Raito?" he asked in his authoritative tone.

"Don't worry about it, Dad. Matsuda is obviously delusional," said Raito, placing one hand on his father's shoulder.

"Hey, wait just a minute," said Matsuda, dejected.

Yagami-san shook his head. "Not that I would object to any...relationship that you two develop. But I don't think it would be wise."

The air in the building was tense, awkward. Raito placed one palm on his forehead in frustration. Yagami-san turned his eyes away from me. He was clearly against the thought of budding homosexuality in his son. And the thought of Raito being in love with another man, especially someone as eccentric and frank as me, was probably frightening. But it wasn't as though we were in love. That was a laughable concept.

Why did that upset me so much?

"There is no exclusive relationship between Raito and I. He is still my suspect." I sipped my tea. "Any romantic involvement would be disastrous, Yagami-san."

He breathed a sigh, possibly of relief. "Well, then. That's good to know, Ryuuzaki."

Raito raised an eyebrow.

"Can we _please_ get back to the case?" said Mogi, upset.

I took another bite of my doughnut. To be honest, I was quite disappointed in Yagami-san. He never picked up on the _exclusive_.

Though they noticed our change in behavior, the only one to mention it at that time was Matsuda. Considering the resignations of the three officers and Aizawa's leave, it was to be expected. I was glad for the information we received those past few days. We would be able to put all our focus on infiltrating Yotsuba, where the next Kira was sure to be. I felt that we were getting closer to the murderer, and therefore closer to my goal of capturing him. I also would be able to distract myself from all that had happened between Raito and I.

I guess I should give Matsuda my thanks.

As I explained my deductions and planned our capture of the next Kira, my thoughts would stray to Raito. It was aggravating. Every word that came from that mellifluous voice created those strange knots in my abdomen. They were brilliant and always worthy of my attention. I listened intently to every exclamation and disregard for my ideas, though it was his that should have been inferior. But Raito matched me in every way, even in thought.

He could have been my successor.

And if he were Kira, he would not hesitate.

"At this rate, if I die, you could probably become the successor to the L name, Yagami-kun," I said.

It was a thought I entertained often, but it was no more than just a thought. I still suspected him of being Kira. As both Kira and L, Raito would be untouchable. Only the real Kira would be quick to take my place. He was just that clever, vile, and ambitious. I hoped that he would decline the offer I gave him, if only to decrease my suspicion. I had become too fond of Raito.

But Raito read between the lines. He declined, saying it was ridiculous. He knew why I would offer my position in the first place. I shouldn't have been surprised that he knew what I really meant, but my affection for him increased tenfold.

I felt his hand rest on my shoulder. It was electrifying, multiplying until I could no longer stand the pain that I felt within. I wanted to find the perpetrator fast, if only to keep Raito here and indulge in all my unwelcome dreams. The touch, however, was not one of affection. He was upset.

Raito turned me around. I faced him. He was truly intent on getting his point across. _I'm not Kira, _he would say over and over, convincing me to let go. Begging me to submit to him. But I could not let go of my theories. No, he was who I said he was.

Our eyes met, my darkness searching within his depths. I could not turn away from those amber eyes...the ones that watched me every night, worried over my condition, and saw my thoughts before I could create them. Raito gripped tightly onto me, and I could recall his arms wrapped around me the night before, and the warmth they created...

"If I capture the current Kira...after that, do you really think I would become Kira...become a murderer...? Do I really look like that kind of person?"

The truth was there, hidden within those depths. I knew he had lost his memories. He wouldn't know that he was Kira, or capable of doing the same things.

It almost convinced me.

But I had to remember who I was.

I was L.

And L was seldom wrong.

"That's what I think, and that's how you look."

I could have sworn it was my harsh words that dealt the blow to my face, a punishment carried out. An eye for an eye. But it was Raito that hit me, angered by my insistence. I reached up to kick his, our violence matched in perfect time. Matsuda called a time-out, but that changed nothing.

Raito was livid. After all, how could you still suspect the person you called a friend? The person that kept you inside his arms, willing to help you? The one that worried about you each day?

L could. It was easier than trusting.

* * *

Later that night, I decided to contact Watari. If there was anyone I felt that I should talk to, it was him. I could not trust anyone else with what I had to say. In the darkened room, I listened for any sign of an awakened Raito. As expected, he was sound asleep, unaware of my actions. Hesitant, I sent Watari a private message.

"What is it, L?" His warm smile popped into my mind. I was grateful for his attention to me.

Even though the systems we both used had state-of-the-art defenses, he was not comfortable with calling me L Lawliet so frivolously. In fact, I couldn't recall the last time he had ever called me by my true name. I preferred one of my numerous aliases. The name seemed so foreign and surreal to me, as though Lawliet had been a person that lived in a dream. It carried too much baggage for something only seven letters long. I was not sure if I could ever assume that name again.

I typed with fervor on my laptop.

"I'm sure you have observed what has occurred. If it's possible, I would like to talk to you as..." I stopped and pressed 'enter'. I was not too sure how to put my feelings into words. It had been a long time since I came to Watari in that sort of situation.

"As a son would to his father?" he asked.

"Sort of."

"Then, please talk to me. Everything will be in confidence, as usual."

I hesitated again. "I'm not sure what to do about Yagami Raito. It angers me, not only that I don't know what to do, but that I'm _unsure_ in the first place. This shouldn't even be a question, or a problem."

"He reminds you of 'A'. That's the problem."

A.

That was a name I hadn't heard in a long time.

"I've considered that a possibility. But it's been ten years. It doesn't make sense that I would still be affected by him."

So, I suppose I'm telling you more than I wanted. But A is a story best left for another time. I doubt he's here with us, but it would not matter anyway. It's been so long that anything I felt for him in the past has dissolved. Now...

"Feelings cannot be solved," he replied. "There is no way to go about this as a detective would, L. But I would advise you to be careful where you step. I trust your judgment wholly, and all evidence so far has pointed to Yagami Raito. Separate him from A. They are not the same."

"No, they are not."

And Watari was right.

Raito was more glorious, more brilliant, more of everything. The first candidate for my position paled in comparison to this suspect of mine. How I wished he wasn't Kira! It could be as simple as saying that I had zero suspicion, but it was not that easy. It never could be as simple as it sounded.

"Thank you, Watari," I typed, wishing I hadn't mentioned it. I felt foolish, like a schoolgirl with a crush.

"Know that I care about you more than anything."

The old inventor had always said that to me, ever since I could remember. And then she came to mind.

"Is her name Amélie Collins? Was she the one that named me?"

I waited for Watari's reply, but none came. It wasn't until I worked on the case the following night that an email appeared in my inbox.

_L,_

_She named you. And loved you very much.  
__To leave you with me was the last thing she wanted to do.  
Know that much, and know that I care about you more than anything._

_Watari_

* * *

We both lay awake in the night, unable to fall asleep. A draft made its way into the room. I shivered. As though it were instinct, Raito pulled my body closer to his. He was so _warm. _I buried my head in his chest, plagued by my suspicion. I thought of Raito pulling a knife to thrust into my back. Or he would simply imagine my death and I would collapse into his arms. I wondered if that was how Kira really did kill.

I had wanted so much for that man to be the perpetrator. The case would have been solved, and I would have brought justice onto yet another mass murderer. It was shocking how much my viewpoint had changed since then. Lying next to Raito, I realized that I didn't want him to be Kira anymore. I didn't want to tell him what I thought, or how he really looked to me. I had grown sick of it. But I was right, beyond a shadow of a doubt. I was so sure he was the one. And I had to win, no matter what.

But executing him would mean that I could never touch his skin, feel his lips on mine, or look into his eyes. He would never wrap those arms around me in slumber, laugh, or raise an eyebrow at my idiosyncrasy. I didn't know what to do anymore. There were no clever plans I could think of. There was no way to erase the memories or stirrings of the heart. It was all so incredibly wicked and evil. It was a crime, a case I could not solve.

"Are you still awake, Ryuuzaki?" asked Raito in a whisper.

"Yes. I'm far too anxious to sleep." Both Yagami Soichiro and Watari had insisted that I rest before Misa's debut before Yotsuba. Impossible.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" I asked, surprised.

"For punching you."

"That's quite all right. I'm sorry for kicking you."

"And?" Raito paused, waiting for another apology. I smiled. I knew exactly what he wanted. I could not give that to him just yet.

"I'm not sorry for accusing you, if that's what you want to hear, Raito-kun."

I felt him tense up.

"I guess it can't be helped," said Raito, relaxing.

We were silent for a while. I felt his slender hands in my hair, combing through the haphazard tresses. Is it possible to be at ease and tense at the same time? That was how it felt with Raito. I never rested, and it was rest in itself.

"Ryuuzaki?"

"Yes?"

"Do you really believe that Misa's the perfect woman for me?"

"If you want her to be." I hated those words the moment they fell from my lips.

Oh yes, earlier that week. I had said too many things I did not wish to say; too many things that were painful ("Her love for Raito-kun is the greatest in the world..."). But I began to admire Amane Misa. In working with the actress, I felt a deep respect for her as I had not felt for any woman before. Her declarations of love, though unnoticed by Yagami Raito, were sincere...beautiful, even. She did not hesitate to give her life for the college student. As for me, I would be too selfish to do such a thing.

I wanted her to be the second Kira, but a minuscule part of me wished for her to be innocent, if that meant that we would be real friends. She did not have to lie about her feelings. How many times did I lie about mine? Though I considered them white lies and necessary to solve the case, they were lies nonetheless. I could never be as truthful to Raito as this girl was.

But was I admitting that I did feel something for Raito? It couldn't be.

"Raito-kun?"

"Yes, Ryuuzaki?"

"How do you feel about..." The words had spilled from my lips without any thought.

"About?" questioned Raito, curious.

"...her?" I filled in quickly.

"Well," began Raito, "I honestly see her as friend. Not a lover. I'm sure any guy would be lucky to have her, but I think she's far from the perfect woman for me."

"Who would be the perfect woman for you, then?"

He was silent once again. I pulled away, my depthless eyes meeting his.

"I don't know. I've never really thought about it."

I turned to grab two strawberries from the bowl on the nightstand. I handed one to Raito, and pushed one into my mouth. Separating the leaf from the fruit, I placed the green part on the nightstand. It was not helping me think any more clearly. Maybe it needed chocolate or whipped cream. I thought of Raito together with the whipped cream. I cringed at the unwelcome, yet enticing idea.

"You weren't going to ask about Misa, were you?" asked Raito. My heart sped up.

"What do you mean, Raito-kun?"

"You know exactly what I mean, Ryuuzaki. It's my feelings for you that you really wanted to know about. You wouldn't have hesitated to ask if it was Misa, unless you were afraid of the answer. Either way, you wanted to know how I felt about you and no one else."

He always knew what I was thinking. "Well, then, since that's your assumption...what is your answer?"

"Which proves my theory right. You really _did_ want to know. " He sighed. "To be honest, I'm not sure at all. We're enemies, aren't we?"

"Only if you're Kira."

"Which is a 'yes' in your book."

Raito paused.

"Ryuuzaki, I enjoy the time we spend together. Had we not been in this situation, I think we would've been very good friends. Maybe more. But we can't do anything, not with me as your prime suspect."

"Are you implying that you feel something for me, Raito-kun?" I had never wanted to know the truth so much in my life. I had lost complete control.

"I guess so. Yes, I suppose you can say I am. I really do like you. More than Misa, at least."

To his surprise, I laughed.

"I wish all of this never happened, Ryuuzaki."

"I wish it didn't either."

"So, what do we do now?"

The answer was quite obvious. I was surprised that Raito did not realize it himself. He was right that day. Neither of us could forget what had happened, but neither of us could let it go on. I looked into his eyes. Raito was afraid, sad even.

"We should stop, Raito-kun. It would be the wisest decision of all."

"What would we be then, Ryuuzaki?"

"Exactly where we began. We need to do what we have to do, and not focus so much on ourselves. That goes for both Kira and L."

I heard a loud groan of frustration.

"It sounds like you want Kira to continue killing so that you can capture him...or me, specifically."

"Possibly."

"And I'm sure you don't have any...feelings for me, anyway."

Every nerve in my body seemed to freeze. Of course, I did not feel anything for Raito. This was all meaningless. I should be gaining his trust and getting him to reveal his true intentions. Why was I wasting my time on frivolous sexual encounters? Raito probably wanted to use my feelings against me, no matter how much he protested that he was not Kira. But my feelings would not acquiesce to reason.

I reached up, my lips meeting his. Raito moved, his body pinning mine down onto the mattress. In the dark of the night, there were only the sounds of flesh against flesh, clothes discarded onto the floor. I was losing control again, but I didn't care. I didn't want to care anymore. I allowed Raito to touch every part of me, to run his hands across my thin frame. My thoughts strayed to A, then to Kira, finally focusing on Raito himself.

Yagami Raito.

_Right now, you aren't Kira. Not here, and not now._

Not only was I willing to lie to everyone else, but I lied to myself.

The younger man trembled a bit. He had not done any of this before, and was unsure of where to go. I gently guided him to his intended destination. He entered. I gasped, feeling every inch of Raito inside of me (it had been such a long time since...), and I pulled him closer. The pleasure flooded my senses. All I could see, feel, and hear was Raito. He took my sex into his hand, his fingers sliding up and down its length.

_Raito-kun, Raito-kun, Raito-kun,_ was all that I could think. It was moments later that I realized I was screaming his name. The words echoed in the large bedroom.

"Ryuuzaki..." breathed the younger man, chestnut hair dripping with sweat. He moved in and out, delighted to hear my voice. Raito bent down to kiss me, his tongue moving across my own.

_Raito-kun, I do have feelings for you, _I thought.

To this day, I still wonder if I said it aloud.

With a deep breath (his or mine?) I felt him spill inside of me. Raito moved his hands from my sex, replacing them with his mouth. I released into it, wondering if I tasted just as sweet as he did.

"Ah, Raito-kun..."

As though he knew what I was thinking, his rosy lips brushed against mine. Nothing like his, as similar as we were.

A cold wave of apprehension washed over me. The kiss became frigid. I began to feel sad; as though it would be the last time I would be with Raito...not the suspect, but the honest, genuine, _human being_ that Kira was not. Never again would we hold each other. I would return to the cold, to the loneliness and darkness of a vacant hotel room. He would assume his identity as Kira. Was this how it was supposed to end?

More importantly, where would the finish line be?

Would it be within Raito's arms, or underneath Kira's cold gaze? Would it be both? Or would it be neither?

I buried my head in his chest, thumb pressed to my lips, posture curved.

But no matter how many sweets I consumed, or whatever position I took, I could not find the answer.

And yet, I somehow expected it. I accepted it without argument.

_Oh, take me with you  
I don't need shoes to follow  
Bare feet running with you  
Somewhere the rainbow ends my dear  
Today, even the rain can cut me up._

- Tori Amos, "Take Me With You"

* * *

A/N: This was quite possibly one of the most difficult POVs I've ever had to write. Because L didn't display any romantic feelings towards anyone in the series, I imagine he wouldn't know what to do with himself if he did. I tried to write that as best as I could. I'm tempted to edit this over and over until it has the correct feeling, but I'll let you guys be the judge.

Just to note, I'll be taking scenes from both the anime and the manga, and some liberties with future dialogue. I'll also dabble a bit into the novel, but not much. I plan to write a backstory involving L, his mother, B, and A, but I don't know when.

The song L sings is "A La Claire Fontaine", for those who aren't familiar with the old French song. The version from The Painted Veil is absolutely gorgeous.

Anyway, please review, I'll greatly appreciate it!


	3. Under Your Fate

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. But you knew that already.  
This is rated M for sexual situations, and some language, I suppose. I shouldn't have to say that this is a yaoi fic, so if it's not your cup of tea, feel free to exit.

* * *

_I could possibly be fading__  
Or have something more to gain__  
I could feel myself growing colder  
I could feel myself under your fate_

- Mazzy Star, "Into Dust"

--

- Light -

The notebook was given to him.

He stared at the supposed monster before him, tight-lipped. His dark-rimmed eyes dilated. The officers that had touched the notebook backed away from that area, in fear that the monster would attack them. I stiffened in my seat. Judging from their reactions, the shinigami did indeed exist! I did not know what they were seeing, but I was curious. I felt that it was something I needed to witness, for the benefit of the case. But I was afraid as well.

A voice in the back of the mind told me that I should not touch it.

I ignored that voice.

"Is this true, Ryuuzaki? Let me touch it, too!"

I grabbed the notebook from him, anxious to see what had everyone in an uproar.

Even now, I'm not sure if I regret touching it or not.

The images rushed through my mind, a deluge of memories and nightmares. My mind was forced open, intruded by the notebook. It was enough to elicit the lost screams from my throat. I recognized the frightening figures from my dreams, the shinigami that brought the notes into the world. The scattered, torn pages became the notebook, with names and times filling the blank pages. My repressed wishes now resurfaced, a distant desire for the dead detective in my arms, never to hunt me down again. Only one wish became apparent. It filled me with an intense want, taking over my body, soul, and mind.

_God of the new world._

I remembered everything. Kira remembered everything.

The Death Note was back in my possession, just as planned.

"Are you okay?" asked L. His suspicion was thinly masked by his concern. "Anyone would be surprised by a monster like that..."

I wanted to laugh in sheer delight. All that I planned had come to fruition. I had never felt so clever, so superior as I had felt then. And holding that notebook in my hands once again had never felt so _good_. I turned away from L, pretending to match the names on the pages with the names in the database. They would be the same names, of course. I planned it that way. I was immensely proud of myself, perhaps too proud, and thrilled. I could now get rid of my last obstacle.

L.

It was then that the past few months had caught up with my insanity.

_Fuck, I never planned that!_ I thought. _It didn't go as I planned!_

As though they wanted to torture me, L's dark-rimmed eyes plagued my thoughts. I remembered the hint of sepia within the irises' black depths. A low, breathy voice forced its way into my ears. My hand tingled from the pleasure of touching that soft, pale skin; my lips felt the ghost of his. The memory of his taste, sweet as cake on the tongue, overwhelmed me. I closed my eyes, fighting back my inner turmoil and rage. It wasn't perfect at all. I had _feelings_. Just when I realized what I felt for the damn detective, confessed to him, even...the god of the new world had regained all of his memories. I had failed in gaining his trust, for I had put too much of myself into it. Failed. _Failed_.

What the hell did I do? This wasn't how it was supposed to go! I wasn't supposed to fall for L! No, he was the sinner in my new world, my number one enemy. He was against everything Kira stood for, and the one to be punished by his hand. I needed to kill L, no matter what. I couldn't let him ruin my plans. I was supposed to be God, even to surpass the higher power that had forgotten his creation.

L would only hinder that.

It was as though the Death Note had placed a dark veil over my eyes. I had been separated from the person I once was. With my memories back, I could feel the menacing presence of Kira. The embodiment of my ideals, the god of a righteous world. It was certainly no regret of mine at the time, but I couldn't see anything past the veil. Kira and I would create a utopia of innocent people. Those against my ideals undulated and twisted, forming something hideous and unrighteous.

L was the embodiment of all that was hideous.

His eyes still focused on Rem, the shinigami that once followed Amane Misa. L could not believe what he saw. It was a given. I gathered that L never believed in the supernatural. The detective dealt with facts. It must have come as a shock to him. But he remained calm as ever, his suspicion heightened by my bizarre outburst. He would divert his attention from Rem to the notebook and my hand. My actions upon touching it had not left his mind. I waited until he returned that attention to Rem. Though my emotions were not a part of the plan, I still had time to save everything. I pierced my finger with the needle from my watch, scraping the blood-tipped needle onto the scrap paper: Kyosuke Higuchi.

I felt satisfied. I could do this much. Yes, I had no remorse in killing Higuchi. As far as I knew, I was still the same. I was still Kira. And Kira would have no remorse in killing L, no matter what he felt for him previously. It would only take a few seconds to write the name (and I was so anxious to know his real name, it tore me apart). L would gasp. Those dark eyes I had grown accustomed to would widen. His body, thin and frail, would fall onto the ground. The widening would dim, eyes closing forever. It was so damned simple.

Death was like a blink of an eye. Open, then closed again. That was all that I would be doing for the detective.

What if it wasn't that simple? What if I hesitated?

_Then the world will not have its God, _I thought.

No, I couldn't let that happen. Sacrifices have to be made for the creation of a new world. That sacrifice happened to be the world's greatest detective and my equal. If he didn't die then, he would have to die eventually for the greater good. He was in the way, and if I didn't do it then, I would never do it. Yes, I would take his life away as planned. No longer will he chase Kira's shadow, or fall into the deceiving arms of Yagami Raito. It would be a peaceful end for L. I would take him out of his misery.

Did that mean I no longer had feelings for him? After all, who would willingly kill off their lover?

_Wonderful. Now I don_'_t feel an ounce of regret._

Higuchi collapsed on the ground, the remnants of a heart attack echoed in a scream.

Too easy, like a blink of an eye.

_But L will be next. He has to be._

* * *

- L -

"_After receiving that much affection and dedication, any human with feelings would be moved."_

"_So you've developed feelings for her...?"_

"_Yeah, maybe I just hadn't noticed it until now..."_

The words replayed in my mind. The image of the two locked in an embrace, crystal clear on my surveillance screens, would rewind itself. That girl was in the same arms that I had been in only a week ago. With that memory came Raito's scream into the night air, notebook in his hands. Words, images, memories, screams. They would repeat, stop, and repeat again. I was overwhelmed, even tortured by it all. I felt too much. And my wrist, still red and raw from the metal handcuffs, tingled as though something should have _been _there. Something. Anything but the emptiness.

I could not sleep anymore. I sat on the large bed, the sheets pushed aside. I didn't know what time it was, or where my laptop had gone (possibly to the side of the bed, or maybe in pieces against the wall). How many hours ago was it since I last worked on the case? Wasn't that what I did when I didn't sleep? I thought I didn't sleep. Wasn't I afraid of sleep? I could not remember the past. Knees to my chest, I clutched my body tight. The night air froze me to the core. The bed was cold, an ice floe in the middle of the darkness. Something was different, and I knew what it was. It was the only thing I could come up with.

There was no Raito-kun next to me. He was no longer chained to me. He had vanished. The room was empty, save for my own presence.

Empty.

I thought I was used to this.

I thought it was all that I knew.

Raito had changed the moment he touched the notebook. The soft eyes I caught myself gazing into, as well as the innocent smiles he flashed me, were all gone. With his bloodcurdling scream that night came a different person. I shook my head at this thought. No, not a different person, but a person I had become acquainted with previously. I knew him before I knew Raito. He was the one that I watched on the monitors and encountered at To-Oh University. My opponent.

Kira.

I took the last strawberry from a bowl on the nightstand.

The man I had fallen for those past few months was the real, human, _brilliant_ Raito. What had replaced him was a shadow of a human being, an immature creature with a god-complex. Kira had decided to show his disgusting face again; only to take control of what he thought was his. I knew for certain that Yagami Raito was Kira. In a way, I was glad to have Kira back. I could now prove my theory. I was sure. Ninety-five percent sure.

But Yagami Raito...

I clutched the icy sheets. My body reclined slowly on the ice floe, in an attempt to sleep. I shivered as I pulled the bed-sheet over my head. My hand moved to the vacant spot next to me, devoid of warmth and amber eyes. I felt a warm tear run down my cheek, but I would not blink. I could not close my eyes. My paranoia had increased by tenfold now that Kira was in the building. My thin fingers clawed at the spot.

It had been so long since I felt so sad. I did not know how to cope with it. I thought I was no longer capable of such an emotion. L never felt emotions. But I no longer was L, not in that uncompromising position: cheeks stained with tears, fighting to get rest, and putting aside the work I was born to do. There was no other purpose for L.

But for L Lawliet, there was only the yearning for more. As I felt the tears fall from my eyes, I knew he had returned.

The name felt like a long lost friend, one that had not changed despite the years since I last felt his presence. It floated around me, creating its warm aura, and I could feel my mind slip away. The last of L had fallen away. L Lawliet had come back, only to bring with him the news of my fate. That was when I knew, and nothing else mattered in that moment.

I cried, wishing Raito could have seen it.

I cursed myself for that thought.

I trusted him too much, and it would be my undoing.

An unfitting end for L.

--

How many hours had it been?

I suppose I drifted off to sleep at some point in the night. The visions of my childhood had made its way into my dreams, fragmented and stained in sepia. I saw the orphanage as it was built, its many facets carved into my memory. Children appeared before my eyes, my successors and challengers. Memories of A entered, his flaxen hair and smile as beautiful as the sun. The last thing I could remember was leaving my home in England, in the dead of winter. Watari held my hand tight, showing me the grand orphanage he had created in my honor.

"_Know that I care for you very much, L Lawliet. This is why I do the things I do."_

The church bells.

They woke me from the dream. My vision blurred, then focused on the computer in front of me. When did I get there? What time had I woken up? What day was it? A half-eaten doughnut sat in a plate in front of me, accompanied by a cold cup of tea. I did not remember asking for it, nor eating any of it. I looked around for Watari, but he was not there. I fought to remember the last few hours, but nothing came to me. I took a bite of the stale doughnut, the granules of sugar like sand in my mouth. I looked around again. There was no sign that the task force had ever stepped foot in there.

A dread overcame me, one I had never felt before. My chest ached. My stomach had become a sunken pit. A harsh chill ran up my crooked spine. The space around me was grey and nearly devoid of light. I looked at the clock on the computer screen.

Six o'clock in the morning.

_It must still be dark out, _I thought. How appropriate for it to be dark at such a melancholic hour. But I knew why I felt the way I did, and what it was that kept me up that night. I knew why I felt so sad the last night I spent with Raito. Everything made sense. Everything was aligned and perfect to the letter.

I had to see Watari.

I walked down the expansive hall, past several ID checkout points, and into the room where my mentor resided. My feet pattered softly on the marble floor. As inaudible as my steps were, Watari turned to face me, sensing my dread. As always, he asked what was wrong. Watari's warm smile resonated in the dimly lit room. The old inventor nodded. He always understood.

"What will you do, Ryuuzaki?"

"Nothing. There's nothing to be done."

"But what about Yagami Raito? Is there nothing to prove?"

"I'm ninety-five percent certain. But there's no way I can prove it. Not in such a short amount of time. And..." I paused, heaving a sigh. "I'm not sure I want to prove anything."

"That's not like you, Ryuuzaki. Don't you want to bring Yagami Raito to justice? Isn't that what you do?"

"I want to bring _Kira_ to justice."

Watari nodded. "I understand."

I crouched down on the cold floor, head lowered. This was insane. I never quit a case, no matter how difficult it became. But I felt so utterly hopeless. My theories ran in circles. I wanted Raito back. I wanted Kira punished. I hated the way I felt and the way I thought. Nothing made sense. I was L. _I was L._

L.

Who was he, anyway? Was he even human? Did he know how to feel?

"L Lawliet," whispered Watari. My head shot up. The old inventor always knew what I was thinking before I realized it. Almost like someone else.

"It's been a long time since I've been called that."

"It's been a long time since I've seen you like this," he said, his smile never fading.

"I don't think I'm L anymore."

He sighed. "You are not any less of a person for feeling what you feel. And you are not any less L than you were before. I know I didn't teach you much about the world and the ways of emotions. For that, I do apologize. You should have experienced more, rather than this job you have always done."

"My work is what I live for. If I can't do it, then there's no point in living."

Watari smiled. He stood up, only to crouch down with me. I felt his great arms encircle my body. I leaned into my mentor's embrace. My head rested on his shoulder, a child back into his father's arms. We sat there for a while, neither of us wanting to leave the other. I think he heard the bells, too.

"Work shouldn't be the only thing you live for. Love, happiness, and well-being...those are the things that should be cultivated from life."

I broke slowly from the embrace, my eyes meeting his. Love. Happiness. Well-being. Had I not received any of those?

_Of course...from Yagami Raito. Even if it was such a short amount of time._

_With him, I could __feel__._

"Thank you, Watari." I stood up as straight as I could, but found my back curving to its most-loved position. The old inventor chuckled, following suit.

"I'll miss you most of all, dear boy. Life's much too short. Maybe the afterlife will bring us the eternity we very much deserve."

I smiled. "Maybe. But I'm not afraid anymore."

"And you shouldn't be. It's been wonderful working with you, L."

I headed towards the door.

"L!" Watari called. I turned my head.

"She goes by Amélie now, but her real name is Marie-Laure. I will send a message out to her. Roger will be delivering it."

The beautiful _Française_! I really had found her.

I had so many questions for Watari, but I decided against asking him more. Maybe I was never meant to know. Not everything can be solved. Even L could understand that, as ambitious, immature, and competitive as he was.

"Thank you so much, Watari."

* * *

- Light -

I had not seen L in several hours. The task force badgered me with questions on his whereabouts. Misa, upon my instructions, had started killing criminals again. The murders caught their attention; my plan had been carried out successfully. I smiled. I could get that girl to do whatever I wanted...it was almost pathetic. I wondered how long I had been that sort of person. Had I always been so cruel? To my surprise, I couldn't remember who I was before the Death Note fell in front of my eyes.

Only those vexing feelings for 'Ryuuzaki' had given me tiny reminders of who I used to be.

I went to search for the unkempt detective, on my father's orders. I walked into the bedroom I had once shared with L. The air conditioning had been particularly strong in the spacious room; upon entering, I felt cold. The sheets on the bed were wrinkled, a sign that he tried to sleep. The side I slept on remained uncovered. His laptop lay in pieces on the floor, the paint on the wall chipped from its impact. The handcuffs that once bound us together was buried underneath the broken device.

I looked at my wrist, circled by a thick red line. It would always be a memory of that time, and one of the relics I now wish I could have kept after my death.

He would not be anywhere else besides the main room, office, and bedroom. And he would not have stepped foot outside, that much was true. L was the most predictable person I had ever become acquainted with. As soon as that thought exited my mind, I decided to climb the stairs. My intuition told me that he would be on the top floor, possibly the roof. It seemed unlikely, but I decided to follow my feelings.

_He knows he has lost,_ cackled the Kira within. _Only someone as predictable as him would do something unpredictable when their time is near._

Reaching my destination, I opened the door to the roof of the building.

The high winds whipped my shirt, the rain upon the world a wrathful tempest. I looked around for the detective, just missing him near the tower. L was lost in thought, eyes fixated towards the bleak skies. I called out to him, but he could not hear me through the storm. Or maybe he never wanted to hear what I had to say. He had picked up on my personality change the minute I held the notebook in my hands. I know that for certain, for nothing was ever the same after that night.

I walked towards him, my body already drenched from the thick raindrops. A sudden sadness overcame me...as though I regretted the fact that this strange creature had to die. This was the same listless person I caught in tears that night, who let me break through the thin ice barrier that surrounded him. He was the detective I found myself strangely attracted to, the genius that matched mine. I had convinced myself that it would be easy; as simple as a blink, and as painless as falling into sleep. If there was anything L was deserving of, it was an eternal sleep.

Yes. That made perfect sense.

"The bells are really loud today. Maybe a wedding, or a..."

His words, useless and incoherent, were blown away by the tempestuous winds. Even now, I cannot figure out what he meant. But at that moment, I felt the urge to embrace him. I ignored the weakness within, preferring to embrace Kira's essence instead. To accept that I had felt anything for him would make the situation worse. I wouldn't be able to let him go, as disgusting as the thought was. It was all much too ridiculous and inconvenient.

"What are you talking about? I don't hear anything. Let's go back inside."

"...I'm sorry, Raito-kun. I never make any sense, do I?"

"True. I know never to take anything you say seriously." I faked a smile, but he did not notice. He looked down towards the wet cement.

"What if I did say something that I meant?" he asked.

"I wouldn't know whether to believe you or not," I replied. "We're both excellent liars, remember? But, of course, it depends on what you have to say."

"Ah," he muttered to himself, "then we're the same. I would expect nothing less from Raito-kun."

I shivered. The cold of the storm had penetrated me to the core. I wrapped my arms around my body in an attempt to warm myself, but no warmth came. L stood before me, unmoved by the chill in the air. I could never figure out how he was able to be so still, so calm and quiet about everything. L rarely overreacted, even when the situation was dire. I know now that was one of the things I absolutely loved about him, and I'm utterly confident in telling you this.

"Ryuuzaki, it's cold out here. Let's go inside. The task force is looking for you. Apparently, Kira—"

"I'm sorry," he said, cutting me off.

"For what, Ryuuzaki?" I said impatiently. I wanted to get the hell out of the rain, but I could not go back without L.

"For being so distant. Distant to the task force, to your father...to you, especially. I don't trust anyone at all."

I sighed. "That's fine. You have reason to be distant, you know, especially with Kira around. And maybe being distant works better for you. Emotions can be painful. Relationships can hurt. They cut you up until there's nothing left."

"Yes, but..." He trailed off.

L remained silent for a while. I looked towards the door of the building, inviting me to run for shelter and leave the detective out in the pouring rain. Kira was tempted, of course.

"Please, Ryuu—"

"Do you sincerely believe that they do such things, Raito-kun?"

"I don't—"

"Tell me, Raito-kun, since you were born, has there ever been a single moment where you haven't lied?"

An unexpected glare.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, already knowing what he was getting at. Sometimes, he's far too predictable for his own good.

"You do not understand my question? I expected more from you."

If I could have killed him at that moment, I would have. He was infuriating, wanting nothing more than to play mind games with me all day long. I would rather have saved them for his final seconds of life. My answer to his question flowed, without any stutter or hesitation, but he believed none of it. I'm not sure exactly what I had said to him, but if Kira were not there, I might have told him the truth.

I took the detective by the arm. He twitched from the contact.

"Come, Ryuuzaki. Let's go inside."

"...I suppose that's best, Raito-kun."

--

The cold water that drenched us fell in drops on the marble floor, the pitter-patter echoing in the long hallway. The glow of the lights within created their own ominous glow. I sat down on the stairs, and took off my damp sneakers. Towel in hand, I began to dry myself off. The detective walked towards me. I caught sight of the pale glow of his skin. The remaining drops of rainwater glistened on his body. Memories of that skin against mine came back slowly.

_If only I had not developed such a desire, _I thought to myself.

"It's so cold," whispered L.

I shook my head. More drops fell onto the steps. "What do you expect? We were standing out in the middle of a storm."

"I've been cold for several days now."

L knelt down before me, a questionable position. The wicked part of me loved the mental image: the sinner submitting to his God, begging for forgiveness. He would beg me not to kill him. I tried not to smile. In a way, I could not, not now. The detective's spindly fingers reached out to take my foot. The mental image seemed even more truthful, and I could almost laugh.

He was lowering his guard at last. How perfect.

_Oh, L, what will you do now? There are no more moves for you to make! This sick game will soon be over! I shall put you out of your misery for good._

But it seemed so unlike him to submit to anyone. He was too proud.

"What are you doing, Ryuuzaki?" I asked, pretending to be surprised at the strange gesture. His black eyes met mine (still tinged with sepia, how could I ever forget), blank to cover the dread.

"It's the least I can do, Raito-kun. I can give you a massage, too. Please let me do this, if only to apologize for not being completely honest with you."

"No, no, you don't have to..."

_Oh, please do._

"Please," he insisted.

I allowed him, and the maniac within laughed.

I wanted to tilt my head back and relish in the delightful feeling, but I kept them open. He took my foot in his cold, soft hands, the towel brushing away the drops of water. I groaned at the sudden pressure applied. He assured me that I would become used to it. How cryptic of him.

"_The only comfort is the moving of the river,_" he sang on impulse. The words were barely audible, a whisper upon his lips. English. I was the best in my class, but I had yet to be fluent in the language. I was not familiar with idioms. The meaning of the lyric escaped me.

He noticed my confusion, and smiled.

"I heard it years ago," L said, reverting back to Japanese.

"You have a lovely voice, Ryuuzaki. I never knew you could sing."

"I know a lot of things."

Cryptic as always.

His long fingers brushed against my ankle. I shuddered. The memories threatened to invade once again, and I felt the sadness that I tried to deny. Truthfully, I missed him those last few days. I missed sleeping next to the detective, and waking up in the middle of the night to his haunting eyes. I missed those tears I was never meant to witness, beckoning me near the man known only by a letter.

No, I could not think like that anymore.

I was Kira.

And Kira did not do those things.

Drops fell onto my toes, too warm to be rainwater. L quickly dried them with his towel. I picked up mine, patting the unruly mess on his head. He was still soaked to the bone, and shivering from the harsh air conditioning above us. He apologized out of nowhere, keeping his eyes away from mine. I bit my lip.

"Sing for me again, Ryuuzaki."

He looked up at me, as though he were deciphering my words.

"Please." I added.

L nodded. His gaze fell to the floor.

"_Reign of love, I can't let go...to the sea I offer this heavy load. Locusts will lift me up...I'm just a prisoner in a reign of love._"

The pale hands let go of my feet, folding now into the detective's lap. My mind furiously tried to translate his words, but I let myself go into the foreign lyrics.

"_Locusts will let us stop...I wish I'd spoken to the reign of love. Reign of love, by the church, we're waiting. Reign of love, my knees go praying..._"

His voice began to crack a bit.

"_How I wish I'd spoken up...or we'd be carried in the reign of love..._"

The tears stung my eyes.

Tears? When did I start crying?

"I'm sad, Raito-kun. Sad...and a bit cold still."

He looked up to me again, a small smile on his face.

"It'll be over soon," he said. "I'm not sure if I want that."

"Ryuuzaki."

"I'm sure it will be all right, Raito-kun."

The detective hung his head, long since finished with his atonement. The silence lingered over our heads, and I could feel the tension. I didn't want to kill him. I knew that more than anything else. I wished that he wasn't L. If only there was a way, but there was none. My last obstacle, the greatest detective in the world and the man I indisputably had fallen for, had to die. God must annihilate the sinner.

But what happens when God loves him far too much?

Was this the reason why the world was rotting...because God couldn't kill the creations he loved so much?

"One more thing, Raito-kun...a last request, if you will." The words stumbled, his voice weak.

"What is it, Ryuuzaki?" I asked, surprised that he would ask me for anything at this awkward moment.

"A kiss. Pretend that I'm her, if need be."

_No, _I told myself. _It's a trap. There is always a plan behind his words. He knows that he will die. This is his attempt._

As though I had blocked out the rational voice, I bent down. My lips met his for the last time, feeling their warmth through thin skin. I parted them with my tongue, delving into the depths. L clung to my body, still damp and freezing cold. The last of his defenses had fallen. I wrapped my arms around his frail body, angry with myself for lowering mine. The detective quickly broke the kiss, realizing his mistake.

"There's no need to pretend," I whispered upon his lips.

"Yet you will continue, Kira," he whispered back.

_You of all people should understand._

"I'll always be Kira to you, won't I?"

"Nothing will change my mind. I am wholly sure that you are Kira, and I am sure you understand. But you will go ahead with your plans, regardless. You have it all mapped out. I know this because we are the same; we do what we have to do."

L sighed. "L and Kira. We will never change. Not until the end, I'm ninety-nine percent sure."

"Ryuuzaki, please—"

A cell phone rang.

The detective stood up, reverting to his crooked position. He answered the phone; it most likely was the task force that asked me about L's whereabouts.

"Yes, I understand," he answered, "I'll be there right away. I apologize."

His thin frame loomed over me, but a tiny smile emerged on his face.

"Let's go, Yagami-kun. Everything will turn out for the better. I am sure of it."

_It will be over soon, _I convinced myself.

Over.

Did I want it to be over?

I stood up and followed Ryuuzaki out of the hallway.

_I have no choice. I have to do what I have to do. There's no arguing against it, no matter what happened in the past._

* * *

- L -

Watari was dead. That much was certain. He had erased all his data and set the message. I could not override any of it. Still, I found myself calling out to my mentor, the only father I had ever known. L Lawliet wept unconsciously, but L had to keep himself together. The task force panicked, not sure what to do or what to make of the situation. Only I had an idea of what would happen next. The alarm within myself had set in, a monster threatening to take me at any second. The shinigami was nowhere to be found. She would take me as she had taken Watari, and it would be the end.

"The shinigami...!" I cried out.

But I was afraid.

You see, I had never really thought of the afterlife. My beliefs had always been based on facts. Higher powers, afterlives, and the like were not factual. They had not been proven until that shinigami had appeared in front of me. Suddenly, the supernatural became real and above what I had previously known. She would take my life, and who knows where I would be sent afterwards. The questions had been raised in my mind.

_What would it be like?_ I asked myself. _Would it be like falling asleep, or a thousand knives to the back? A rush of blood to the head or emptiness? Would I meet a heavenly creator or the downfall of mankind?_

My body convulsed. The pain erupted in my chest: a heart attack, Kira's _modus operandi_.

The world around me was engulfed in brilliant light. Pieces of my scattered memories reflected in front of my eyes: the orphanage, Watari, A and B...my birth mother, the bells, the rain that soaked me to the bone hours before.

And Yagami Raito, the last face I would ever look upon with my eyes.

He held me in his arms, screaming for me to get a hold of myself, to get up and live. But I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I focused on him, reaching for his shoulder. One last embrace, and perhaps it will fade.

My touch had brought forth the monster within. Raito's face suddenly twisted. He looked upon me with malicious, glowing red eyes.

It was Kira.

_Raito is Kira. I knew it._

I had always known, beyond a shadow of a doubt.

_But...I..._

Lost.

I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. I closed them, bringing forth the memory of amber eyes and the intoxicating taste of my enemy. I no longer wanted to remember Kira. He would not be my last thought; only Raito was worthy. Behind closed eyes, I hastened towards the memories, feeling myself disappearing within the euphoria. I could not deny it any more. I could not lie to myself. There was no reason to.

I felt so much for him, though I could not bring myself to say those meaningless words. What I felt had more meaning than what could be expressed. And in that moment, I felt nothing and nothing was tangible anymore. The sounds of screams faded into the darkness.

I was alone, but Raito would join me soon.

After all, someone like Kira could not reign for long.

* * *

- Light -

The skies were as red as blood that day. I remember that much.

The task force had left after paying their respects, but I remained. I stood over his grave, towering over the large cross. The Kira inside me laughed. He was the victor. He cheered for the death of his adversary, gleeful that he would never rise again to haunt him. I, Raito, could only wish he was with me again. The contradiction drove me insane. My body thrashed against the dirt below the tombstone, in agony and in ecstasy. After the laughs came the tears, the weeping and screams.

_He deserved what he got, Yagami Raito. He challenged God._

That body, beautiful and frail even in death, should not have deserved that treatment. I did not want him buried in the darkness, as I was with Kira. If there was anything I wished for L in my heart, it would have been that he would rise into the skies. Kneeling on the ground, I clawed the dirt of his grave. The particles soiled my fingernails and covered my sleeves. The tears did not stop.

L. Ryuuzaki. Hideki Ryuuga.

I never even knew his real name.

Did I even know who he truly was?

I heard a soft tapping upon the cement nearby. Someone was walking towards me, possibly a woman. Her steps echoed in my mind, breaking the silence that settled upon the cemetery. She stopped behind me.

"I'm sorry for your loss," said the woman. She spoke Japanese, but with a strange accent.

Curious, I pulled myself up from the ground. I faced her, and froze in my spot.

A chill ran up my spine.

_It couldn't be._

I saw L's eyes within hers.

The woman was tall and thin, but well kept. Her long, ebony hair had tinges of grey at its roots. It fell into her dark eyes; a hint of sepia in their depths, large and unyielding. All she lacked were the dark circles underneath, but he was there. I turned away from her, refusing to display my fear to the L incarnate.

"I apologize if I'm interrupting you, sir. May I ask your name?"

_No, not Japanese at all,_ I thought. _French, maybe?_

I turned to her again, but did not look her in the eye.

"Yagami Raito."

"A pleasure to meet you, Yagami-san."

I wanted her to leave, but she stayed next to me. The woman faced L's grave, hands clasped. Already, she annoyed me...much like the dead detective himself.

"Who was he, Yagami-san?" she asked. I lowered my head, pretending to be upset.

"A excellent detective, a genius...and a good friend."

"I would like to pay my respects to him, if that is all right with you."

I noticed a small bouquet in her hands.

"I'm sure he would like that," I said. "I can't stay much longer with him."

"Then I will stay with him for as long as I can," she replied with a smile. His smile. I wondered if she was related to him in some way. Was it even possible?

After all, he was a human being. He had to have come from somewhere.

"Take care," I said, walking away.

"And you as well, Yagami-san."

I watched the woman out of the corner of my eye. She knelt down in front of the large, unmarked cross. She placed the bouquet of roses in front of it. Hands clasped once again, she bowed her head in prayer. It seemed odd for a stranger to pray for someone she did not know. She must have known L in some way, and it was even odder that she knew about his death. We had not informed anyone. I thought about getting her information and writing her name in the Death Note, but I decided against it.

I doubt any relative of his would be a threat. After all, he did not even know she existed.

I stood by to listen to her prayer, but it was not a prayer at all.

"I always knew you were special," she said, teary-eyed. "Know that I love you more than anything in the world."

_More than anything in the world, I wanted you dead, _I thought._ And now that you are, I'm not sure if it was exactly what I wanted._

And so, I walked on.

* * *

A/N: I originally decided to write this chapter in Light's POV, but I wanted to use the anime version of L's final hours. Given that the episode was personal to L, I had to write his POV as well (if that makes any sense). My fear with this chapter was that it might get too confusing. I debated on changing it, but decided to use both Light and L anyway. I hope it didn't give anyone too much of a headache.

And I hope I didn't go over the top with this chapter! I'm not sure if I really wanted L's mother to debut in this fic, since I intended this chapter to end differently (instead, it will be inserted into the final one). If you find Light's POV to be confusing, that certainly was intended (though I'm not sure if I pulled it off...he confused ME!).

The insert song is "Reign of Love" by Coldplay. A bit anachronistic, but oh well. It's a lovely song, and I recommend it!

Those who reviewed, I thank you for your comments! Please review, I appreciate every single one. There will be two more chapters before the end (you're probably wondering why this isn't the end...hehe), and my goal is to finish it within a month or two. The next chapter will have a tiny bit of LightxMisa and LightxTakada, but don't worry. I will remain loyal to the greatness that is LightxL. :)


	4. Ghost of Indecision

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. But you knew that already.

This is rated M for sexual situations, and some language, I suppose. I shouldn't have to say that this is a yaoi fic, so if it's not your cup of tea, feel free to exit.

* * *

_You were easy; you are forgotten  
You are the ways of my mistakes  
I catch the rainfall through the leaking roof  
That you had left behind  
You remind me of that leak in my soul..._

- The Smashing Pumpkins, "Blank Page"

I had become a god in those few short years; my dream attained.

Crime had decreased by seventy percent. The world had inevitably split in two: those who supported me, and those who chose to thwart my efforts. But my word was law, my notebook the sole protector of those who worshipped me and wanted a peaceful world. The ones who chose to reject me would suffer soon. God would punish them as he saw fit. And the thought thrilled the Kira within.

But aside from Kira, Raito was still dissatisfied. Why was it not enough?

The world continued to rot underneath my hand.

Yes, that must have been it.

_Those who do not contribute to society must also be killed_, he said. _Only then can we rejoice in our new world, with those who are productive and can build the utopia we so desire._

Yes. It made sense.

But not yet. The move was too extreme. Soon, I told myself.

And in possession of L's coveted name, with the ability to move any military force, it would be easier. I was now shrouded in his leftover mystery and put on a pedestal by my father and the task force.

The title of L was merely that: a title. A single letter, two strokes, one English syllable. No one would know that the first L, the _real_ L had died and left his name to various successors. As long as you sounded and acted like him, the world would never know. Even now, as I tell you this, there's a brilliant boy on Earth who has taken that name and made it his own. The whole world believes wholeheartedly that he is the real L; that the real L never died.

No one knows that the real L was a living, breathing person. A man with young yet creaking bones, with eyes that were sunken and melancholic. A man that could never be replaced.

L. Two strokes. One syllable. One man with a line of people behind him.

_If only he didn't oppose me_, I thought. _My new world could use more minds like his. More minds, more bodies, more of everything._

It had been five years, and the eccentric detective had never left my mind. I dreamed of L every night since the day we became intimate. Even after his death, the dreams refused to stop. His pallid complexion and wild eyes plagued my mind with its memories. Some were scattered, leaving his last gaze for the moment I would awaken. Sometimes, I would not dream of his face, but of his voice...the same melancholic song I found myself quietly whispering when I did not realize it.

_"Reign of love, I can't let go..."_

Crime had decreased. The world worshipped me. No one would stand in my way. I was the possessor of a supernatural notebook. Raito/Kira was a god of a new era and a perfect world, at last.

But Raito could never forget that fucking detective, as much as Kira wanted him to. I could not forget the soft clinking of chains, the tap-tap of a laptop's keyboard, and a single tear falling from a single onyx eye. It was insane and completely aggravating. It was enough to make me tear my hair out.

I could never forget.

Would Kira kill me for it?

* * *

It was never pitch-black.

Despite the black clothes she wore and the macabre relics she kept, Misa was still afraid of the dark. At night, she would leave the lamps on and the closet doors wide open. There are monsters everywhere, she would say. In the daytime, she would beg me to buy a nightlight, and every day I would say no.

"No nightlights. I don't want one in my room," I said. "There's no need to be afraid of the dark."

"But Rai-chan, I _need_ it."

"You don't need it. And they annoy me."

She would walk quietly beside me, not saying a word. I had to put her in her place many times. But one day, as we were walking, she detached herself from me and ran off into the crowd. I didn't see her until night. I walked into the bedroom and heard a small clicking sound. Misa was crouched down on the floor near the outlet.

"Where have you been?" I asked.

"I needed it."

Misa had bought a fucking nightlight.

The girl moved away from the outlet, so I could see it. She grinned happily. The nightlight was shaped like a strawberry, and cast a dim, red glow against the wall. She later told me that it was 'the cutest thing ever', and couldn't help but buy it. A nightlight would be better than lamps. Misa hopped into the bed and curled up under the covers. I just shook my head, suppressing my anger.

I hated nightlights. There was nothing to fear about the dark. I especially hated that strawberry-shaped light. I'm not sure how many times I tried to convince her to remove it, but she was a simple girl with a simple mind. I quit bringing up the nightlight, deciding it would be best to humor her for as long as possible.

At least, until it was time to kill her.

Though the room radiated with sanguine warmth (encouraged by the dim light), I could not sleep. In fact, I could not remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. Even with Misa's naked body pressed against mine, there was a sense of discomfort that occurred in those late hours. My eyes diverted to the girl next to me, sleeping soundly. Strands of blonde hair covered those closed eyes.

My eyes fell upon the cross around her neck.

Had I not asked her to remove it? Did I have to _threaten_ her?

Of course, I had to.

She was a simple girl with a simple mind.

I hated that necklace she wore. It served no purpose except to torture me. The damned relic would dangle and dance whenever she hovered over me. It would lay perfectly still on her ivory-white breasts as she slept. The burning sunlight would reflect on it, alerting me to its presence. It stayed forever in my sight, and I hated it. Misa wasn't a Christian; why the hell did she have to wear that cross all the time? Every time I saw it, I felt the urge to rip it from her thin, pale neck.

_Why am I even upset over something as trivial as a cross? As trivial as a strawberry-shaped nightlight?_

My questions were answered as soon as I asked them.

In an abrupt motion, I pushed back the sheets, freeing myself from the sleeping woman's embrace. I walked towards the nightlight, turning it off with a soft _click_. It left the world engulfed in darkness. Satisfied, I crept back into the warm bed, next to Misa. She stirred, but did not wake. I turned towards her, running a finger through her hair. Without the nightlight, I could barely make out the blonde color.

It had turned pitch-black.

* * *

I finally decided to share an apartment with Misa. My excuse was to keep her and the Shinigami eyes as close as possible. But a part of me needed something...no, _someone_ to keep the nightmares away. Several years into my reign, I could not stand them anymore. The depthless gaze and bitten thumb left me sleepless most days. I didn't tell her the real reason why we were to move in with each other, but I'm sure she wouldn't have cared. Misa was delighted at the thought of living with me. It was the closest she would get to marriage.

Misa was far too easy.

No...women in general were easy. All giddy when it came to the fickle concept of love.

Women were nothing like L, challenges until the end.

But onto Misa.

The Raito I was before would have objected to my actions. He wouldn't have wanted me to use Misa the way I did. But I knew that I was no longer Yagami Raito; I was Kira, I was God. Content with that idea, I toyed with her emotions. It was wonderful how easy it was to get Misa to do whatever I wanted. Other than her Shinigami eyes, she served only one other purpose.

To make me think of someone other than L.

I would fuck her every night, just to rid my mind of his silken skin. But it was a useless effort. With her shrill moans came L's breathy voice, calling my name into the night (_"Raito-kun...Yagami-kun...Kira"_). When she was above me, her image would distort, becoming ashen and thin. It was then I would resort to taking her from the back, so I would not have to look upon the detective's face. I could not close my eyes, for I would see him within the blackness.

The fading star in the blackness of space.

_"Raito-kun."_

_

* * *

_

My beloved sister, Sayu.

Even now, I can recall her features, so like and so unlike mine. My memories of her are scattered, but I remember how beautiful she was. Even Matsuda noticed how much she had matured. In his eyes, I could see the reflected desire and agony to be with her. The task force idiot would give anything to be with my little sister. But my parents would not have it. No one could ever be good enough for Sayu, especially a cop (but Matsuda did prove himself in the end, so maybe this can be called into question).

And I remember the last time I talked to her.

The task force had gathered at my house to discuss the case. Sayu walked in, delighted that Misa and I were visiting together. Matsuda became flustered, my father upset that his subordinate felt a sexual attraction towards his daughter, and Sayu giggling at the thought. She felt that Misa and I should get married.

Her comment struck a chord within me. The idea made Misa giddy as usual, but it was something I really could not entertain. Marriage? What was it, anyway? Where did it fit in my utopia? The thought of love, celebrated worldwide, was as distant and intangible as a dream. Even now, I'm not sure if I knew exactly what love was at that time, though I had felt its subtle fingers before.

Love. Marriage. Commitment.

And the thin, pale, certainly _dead_ detective crossed my mind again.

A few minutes later, we received the call that the director of the Japanese police had been kidnapped. My father, as well as the rest of the task force, was determined to find him.

Days later, I would find out that the director was dead.

And replaced by my little sister.

"We'll exchange the notebook for Yagami Sayu."

I knew I would not be able to sleep that night. I threw myself into my work, my fingers moving swiftly across the laptop's keyboard. Both the FBI and the kidnappers were threatening Kira (one more for the notebook than the other), but that was just one of my worries. My sister was out there, in the hands of murderous strangers. People that deserved to be written down and killed.

My innocent sister was most deserving of my new world. She had not hurt anyone, and would continue to be the sweet girl that she was. Now, she was in the line of fire, the war between Kira and his opponents. She was in the battle for the Death Note. I only prayed that she made it out alive.

My thoughts flowed from Sayu to L. Knowing him, he would have found her already. He was capable of so much. He would have done all he could to rescue her. L would have been dedicated to finding Sayu. She was, after all, the sister of "Raito-kun". But would I have loved him after that? Or hated him?

Love.

I guess it's not as fickle as I thought.

_"You have a soft spot for your sister, don't you, Raito?"_

My eyes fought to stay open, but even the brightness of the computer screen made them want to close. A soft spot for my sister? Was it that unusual to feel what I felt for her? Or was it more unusual that she was the most prominent worry in my mind, even taking precedence over my precious notebook?

Fingers stumbling over the keys, I felt my eyes blur and lose focus. I suppose I fell asleep in front of the computer that night, for the last image I saw was not the open windows...

...but a pair of eyes, no longer depthless, no longer soulless.

Rather, they were worried, confused, wet and...sad.

The same glance he gave me that evening on the rooftop, through the tempest and impending doom.

_"Raito-kun."_

L?

_"The bells are really loud today. Maybe a wedding, or a..."_

Funeral.

_"I'm sorry, Raito-kun. I never make any sense, do I?"_

You always make sense. You've always made perfect sense.

_"Tell me, Raito-kun, since you were born, has there ever been a single moment where you haven't lied?"_

I lied to you. Even when I didn't realize it, I lied to you. I lied to myself. I lied to the world. There's never been a single moment. Never.

_"The only comfort is the moving of the river."_

The moving of the river.

The lies that build until nothing's left.

_"As I have told Raito-kun before, it was a mistake."_

The whispers faded with the dawn. I lifted my head from the desk, its wooden grooves etched onto my cheek. A stabbing pain shot throughout my body— a result of the odd position I had taken the night before. Brushing the stray strands of hair from my face, I looked towards the bed.

Misa was gone.

In her place was a pink, heart-shaped note. Without bothering to read it, I crumpled it up and threw it in the trash. As uncomfortable as it was to have her out of my sight (who knew what the idiot would do), there was a significant peace in the small apartment. I turned back to my laptop.

The tiny fan still hummed quietly, but the screen had faded to black. Within the darkness, I could make out a pair of bulging, sleep-ridden eyes. The words from my dream echoed in my ear, his voice so close that I could almost feel his breath...the thin fingers grazing over my neck and shoulders.

_Raito-kun._

I saw him there, in the laptop's screen, lips pressed against my ear. I closed my eyes as his arms wrapped around me, and I could smell the scent of strawberries and black tea. His scent.

_I'm not really here. Or am I? This cannot be happening. Not with you again._

A cough escaped my throat, and I realized that I had stopped breathing for those few seconds. My hands trembled, my body shaken. I could feel him there; no he really _was_ there. L's touch, his scent, everything about him was as real as the time he was...

Alive.

This is stupid, I thought. Why am I still dreaming about L? He's dead. I'm alive. He was the sinner. I'm God.

God.

I'm God.

A smile crept over my face. There was simply nothing to worry about anymore. No more challenges, sure, but no more of those conflicting desires. I thought it would be difficult to manage those budding feelings and my wanting to take down the detective, but the problem solved itself in the end. The dreams were merely the product of an overstressed mind.

But that would not be the last time.

* * *

_"It's nice to meet the second L."_

His voice, scrambled and formal, echoed throughout my dreams. Every uttered syllable and raised tone matched his, entwined with his, and brought back the memories I tried so hard to suppress. He wasn't L, could never be L because L was still dead, and yet...

That voice.

_"I am the center of the SPK. You may call me N."_

N.

One syllable.

Black eyes penetrated deep within, and I could feel L's aura. The mood that passed through me was painstakingly familiar. I recalled the day the detective sought me out through the television, his scrambled voice daring me to kill him then and there. This 'N' possessed the same air and tone.

_Kill me now_, whispered the memory from long ago. _Can't you kill me, Kira?_

N called to me in the same manner.

_"Second Kira, this is Near. KILL ME NOW."_

I got up from my bed and made my way through the darkened halls. The apartment was completely silent, save for Misa's deep breathing. Moonlight trickled through the blinds, and I was taken back to the room that I had once shared with L. This alone was cause for concern.

_You're losing your focus here, Yagami_, Kira growled. _Too much of your time has been spent thinking about that detective. We killed him, he was a sinner, now lets move on, shall we? Our battle begins again with Near and Mello._

Near and Mello.

_I feel the adrenaline, and you should as well. The challenge has been resurrected. Near and Mello are nothing compared to their idol, am I correct?_

No, Kira, they're nothing like L.

_If only you did not fall for that fucking detective! Stop it, Yagami! Don't you want to be God? You cannot dwell on your sinners!_

Of course not, Kira.

_"Raito-kun, I still believe you are Kira."_

_YAGAMI!_

The kitchen light clicked on.

"Rai-chan, are you okay? It sounds like you were talking to yourself."

Misa stood in the doorway, blue eyes swimming in tears. She was completely naked and shivering. I turned my eyes away, realizing that I was now sitting on the kitchen floor. But when did I get to the kitchen? I couldn't remember.

"Rai-chan?"

"I'm fine, Misa. I just...I couldn't sleep, that's all."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

The girl sat down next to me, shivering from the icy cold floor. Before I realized what I was doing, I crushed my lips against hers. Their fullness distracted me, but it was the one thing I needed. My fingers brushed against her thigh, and she gasped. Misa fell against the tile, and I made my way into her. She cried out (in pain or pleasure, I couldn't tell), her voice resounding against the whitewashed walls. Within her screams, I could still hear the detective. I was determined to make her scream louder.

"Rai-chan...!"

_"Raito-kun...!"_

"Oh god, please!"

_"Your taste...it's maddening."_

"It hurts!"

_"Not with you again."_

"Stop..."

I heard her instead. Coming to my senses, I pulled out of the sobbing girl. Flecks of blood stained her ivory skin. I had injured her, but I couldn't tell where. What had I done? Was this who I was? Did I have to hurt Misa?

_She's a simple girl with a simple mind._

"Misa..."

"It's okay, Rai-chan," she said, sniffling. "You didn't mean to hurt me."

She stood up, wobbling towards the kitchen's exit. A thin trail of blood extended from her thigh to her ankle. Misa grasped the threshold, not willing to make the slightest eye contact with me. It was okay. I didn't care to look into her tear-stained eyes either. It would have been too much.

_"Why were you crying, Ryuuzaki?"_

"I need to go somewhere," I said.

"Where?" she whispered.

"I'll be back soon."

She turned around. Still, no eye contact. I picked up my wrinkled clothes, scattered along the tile. Misa walked closer to me to help me dress, but would not lift her head. She straightened my shirt, and moved to the collar. Her tiny hands trembled with each button, as though she were afraid to touch me. But I heard her whisper: _Turn to the side, through the hole, push and set._

When she was done, she tried her best to smile. Her arms fell limply to her sides. Goosebumps littered her bare skin, but she no longer shivered. She turned off the kitchen light. Misa turned her back to me, head lowered, lost in the darkness. What was there to do for her?

"Come back soon, then," said Misa.

_If you go, you will regret it_, said Kira.

"I will," I said.

* * *

No one had visited his grave in years.

Not since he was last buried.

For me, it had been five years. I remember cackling and senselessly throwing myself over the dirt. Kira had literally rolled upon the grave of his enemy. He would be back soon to laugh again through me. I tried to remain quiet for the duration of my visit. That was not what I came here for.

The gleam of the cross had faded over the years, reduced to a dull grey and speckled with the remnants of rain. The roses, placed by the strange woman five years ago, had long since withered away. Only the filthy ribbon was left, blowing in the cold air and clinging to a dead weed.

I bent down to touch the earth. Grains of dirt made their way under my fingernails. By now, he would be reduced to dust. His body was buried so far below, but had any of it made its way to the surface? Were the grains under my nails once his eyes? His skin?

If I pulled the coffin out and opened it, would the crooked spine still be there?

The spidery, bent fingers?

Or the single strands of his dark hair?

I pushed the ridiculous notions from my mind. Digging him up would bring no relief, and it was a sick idea in itself.

_Why are you here?_ I heard his voice whisper. I didn't know if it was all in my mind, or if he really was there. But I responded.

"I don't know."

_You put me here, you know. Indirectly._

"I needed to. You had to die."

_I suppose that's how it works. But you cannot make up your mind, can you? What does Kira think?_

"I don't care what Kira thinks."

_Clearly a lie. You're slipping, Raito. Further and further. There's no helping you now. I feel this is the last time we'll talk like this while you're alive._

"What are you talking about?"

_You'll understand soon, I'm sure. He will come for you, take over, thrill in the battle to come. And you won't remember me at all until the end._

The rose-colored tinges of sunrise faded into a clear blue. I did not know what time it was, and the cemetery remained empty. From a distance, I could almost make out L's crooked silhouette against the tree. And then, I heard no more from him.

* * *

A/N: I apologize that this took me forever. I've been working on this chapter little by little over the semester, and I've found it the most difficult of all. I don't know whether it is the fact that I didn't care much for the second half of the series, or that L is almost absent from the story. Because of this, I'm completely dissatisfied with this chapter. There's not enough going on...not enough guilt, action, feeling, or Kira and L. But I had it on my hard drive, so I've decided to post it. I definitely want to rewrite this when I find the time. I've thought about leaving it at three chapters, but I really wasn't going for a bleak ending like my one-shot.

It's a great deal shorter than the other chapters, and I'm afraid that it will continue to be this short until the last chapter. I don't know if that's good or bad, really! I can't promise when the next will come out, but I thank everyone for their kind words and CC on my first chapter-length DN fic.

I've edited this chapter a little, especially since I noticed that there was a double paragraph. I apologize!


	5. Never Forget You

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. But you knew that already.  
This is rated M for sexual situations, and some language, I suppose. I shouldn't have to say that this is a yaoi fic, so if it's not your cup of tea, feel free to exit.

* * *

_I lost my beloved without deserving it,__  
For a bunch of roses that I denied her.  
__So long I've been loving you,  
I will never forget you._

- "A La Claire Fontaine"

The first thing that I noticed after I closed my eyes was the loss of light. There was an overbearing darkness that I could not escape from. My body was heavy and then no longer mine, separating from my mind as though it had been its own being all along. I have heard from various religious sources that you see a tunnel upon death, or your life "flashing" before your very eyes, or your dead body as you float into whatever afterlife you choose to believe in. But I saw nothing.

And the only thing that remained were Kira's eyes, which had engulfed all of Yagami Raito. I watched as his teary eyes morphed into that evil red. They bore themselves into me, into nothingness. I will never forget their intensity, taken over by the insanity of Kira. I knew that if it weren't for Kira, Raito would have been a normal man. It is not Raito who had me killed.

Kira. It always was Kira.

There was no escaping the void that I was committed to. Somehow, the only piece left of me would be left to contemplate just what I was experiencing. Was it my mind or my soul? Should I continue to believe that I am dead, or is this not reality? My mind raced with thoughts and theories, trying to figure out everything. But I was without answers. I, the genius known as L, had no answer for this.

It was then that the truth illuminated the darkness, as though it were a blinding beacon in the middle of nowhere. It was the ever-elusive truth that I had been searching for. I suppose in death, everything becomes clear. What was once unknown is known, the lies revealed. All that had been hidden from me was given to me in an instant, and I had reached the one goal that had taken up my entire life: complete knowledge.

Why was I in darkness? I already knew. I had believed in nothing, and that was what I was sent to. I believed that there was nothing after death, not even existence. This must be Hell, I thought, to know this with one-hundred-percent certainty, waiting for an end that will never come. For eternity, I will float in nothingness, consumed by all that is true.

The truth can be much more frightening than the lie. I regret pursuing that absolute truth. I knew that there was no one to call out to and there would be no one dead already that could contact me. I was sent to a world without a beginning and without an ending. My only comfort in nothingness was that Kira would soon be sent here, though at the cost of Raito's life.

Raito, the light that had burned out...

I thought of the first night we had truly made love, though we would have never called it love in our waking moments. I thought of the feeling of consuming him with my entire being, taking in an entire person. I then realized that I still had a _hunger_, a need, a craving...no longer for sweets or anything trivial as that, but for another soul. Mere facts and truth would never be enough. And I knew that he felt the same.

_Raito...Light._

* * *

In this position, I decided to ask for the one truth that I had yet to be given. And, as though a door opened before me, it was given. My mother, who had remained distant, still resided in my memories.

"_Il y a longtemps que je t'aime...jamais je ne t'oublierai._"

She was a beautiful girl, about fourteen. My grandmother never liked her for her wide eyes, so completely unlike hers. They weren't Japanese; they were large and too Western for her tastes. Her hair was far too wild. And my grandmother did not care for me, for I had been conceived from violence.

_ "It's time to go."_

_ "Five more minutes Mummy, please."_

_ "I've given you more than enough time with him." _

_ "Please."_

_ "Fine. Three more minutes. We can't keep him waiting."_

They had taken me to Wammy's House, and I remember the trip there; we went through the old, creaking doors, down the long corridor, their footsteps echoing on the marble floor. My mother trembled. I knew she was frightened, for I was frightened as well. We were soon in the presence of who I would come to know as Watari.

_ "Ah, this must be her. Please, sit down. What is your name, dear one?"_

_ "Marie-Laure, sir," _

_ "How old are you?"_

_ "Fourteen."_

_ "I see. Will you tell me about him?" _

"_His name is L Lawliet."_

"_L Lawliet?"_

"_I didn't want him to have his surname. So I made one up—Lawliet."_

"_And the L? Why one letter for a first name?"_

"_Because it's unique. Because no one else in the world will be like him. L is a good letter. Lots of nice things start with L."_

_"Well, I think it's a good name."_

The time was coming for me to be separated from her. I could feel it. She did not want to give me up either.

_"I don't mean to be disrespectful, Mr. Wammy, but I can't give him to you. He's my son and I want to keep him!"_

_ "This is ridiculous. You can't handle a child. You're only fifteen years old! Give him up. Mr. Wammy will take care of him and find suitable parents for him."_

_ "But I'm his mother...I can't just give him up, Mummy!"_

_"Marie-Laure, you know we can never love this child without that constant reminder of the bastard that took advantage of you. As far as I'm concerned, he is no grandson of mine. Now give him up!"_

_ "He reminds me of it. Everyday, I remember it. But it's not his fault. He didn't ask for it."_

_ "Your mind will change."_

And the last words that she ever said to me...

_ "Know that I love you more than anything else in the world."_

My mother was too young, far too young to have been responsible for me. It is only right that she had given me up. I understood that at last. If I had not been left at Wammy's, my genius might not have been encouraged under the scorn of my grandmother. Sometimes the truth can hurt, and sometimes it can bring peace.

It would take up too much time to relate everything that I discovered in Nothingness, and I know you Shinigami have no time for any of that. Though I am certainly pleased that you all stopped to listen to my story. But I wonder: it is partly because of the events that transpired on Earth? The Death Note, and my entanglement with Yagami Raito? Or is it love and hate that you are so curious about?

I am not lying when I tell you that human emotion is more frightening to me than any darkness. It is too truthful, too blinding to cover up. Whereas the darkness hides what should not be seen, the light shows it all. Floating in endlessness with only Truth as my companion was driving me to insanity. My emotions were increased tenfold, some of which I had never felt in their entirety. The human body was gone, but the human emotions still remained.

There is one last story to tell you all, and it is the one I loathe and avoid the most. In death, I no longer have a reason to avoid my past. There was one person before Raito, one who had driven me further into my reclusive state.

He was known as A, and he was the first of my successors.

* * *

Watari had originally created Wammy's House as an orphanage. He had an immense love for children, especially those that had been abandoned from birth; after all, he was one himself. A grand inventor and brilliant mind, he also planned to become a teacher to them. That was the story that he always related to me.

I had the privilege of being the first orphan he had taken in. Watari noticed my genius on my first day. I could comprehend more than the average child and I learned at an incredibly fast rate. Though I did not speak my first words until I was five years old—it was "I would like some cake," by the way—Watari always knew what I was capable of. In fact, he was so taken by my capabilities that he never took in another regular orphan. Most of his time was spent dedicated to nurturing my growth, and he came to regard me as his own son.

It is hard to say exactly when he stopped calling me L Lawliet. I suppose it was shortly after I had demonstrated my abilities as a detective. Watari had missions that he always went on and I would help him from afar. He utilized my genius for the greater good, he would say. That was when I had gotten used to calling him "Watari" and him calling me "L," "Ryuuzaki," "Eraldo Coil", or "Denueve." No one could ever know our true names and identities or else we would die. There were people that would kill for that information and he could not spare me, a mere child. Watari would stress that upon me as a child.

But Watari knew that he had strayed from his original dream of maintaining the orphanage. One glance at me, and he knew the future of Wammy's House: he would take in other geniuses like myself so that they may one day become my successor, despite my being only ten at the time. He was so thrilled by the idea that he scoured all of Europe and Asia for these children.

The first one was Aleksei.

He was a boy without a last name, without a country, and without memories of his family. I will never forget the day that I met him. Watari had taken me outside of the orphanage to meet others before, but it was the first time that anyone would come to live with us. As a result, I felt that I connected with him on a deeper level, deeper than I felt I could with strangers outside Wammy's House.

"Aleksei, this is L Lawliet," said Watari.

His empty blue eyes bore into my own. The blonde hair upon his head was messy, dirty, and long. And yet, he seemed to be the most beautiful thing in the world. I searched for any tell-tale signs of his life, as a detective would, but there was nothing to find. Aleksei was a blank slate that would be filled with my knowledge.

"He will be your successor, L. Can you say hello to L, Aleksei?"

The boy was silent.

"Much like you, L, he doesn't speak much. Give him time."

And he did speak after some time.

To protect his identity, he was given the name "A." When we were not training him, he and I would play outside. It was the sort of thing that made Watari happy—I was reaching out to another human being, despite my eccentricities. I was being a normal child...well, as normal as anyone like me could be. The most wonderful part was that A was just like me: awkward and socially stunted, but brilliant.

Playtime transformed to study time, as we poured over notes and case files. We rarely left the orphanage, preferring to keep within the grounds. Around that time, Watari began to bring in more children—B, C, and D, he called them. He decided that it would be best to keep my true name from them; I would only be called "L" by the other orphans. Only A was allowed to call me by my true name, as he knew it long before they did.

"L Lawliet," whispered A. "I'm glad that I'm the only one that knows it."

"I want you to be the only one. I do not trust the others."

A chuckled. "You trust no one except for me and Watari. That also makes me glad."

I did not care to get to know them, but it was B that would not leave me alone. He constantly searched for new ways to grab my attention, possibly because he was amazed at my abilities. B was not as brilliant as A, and for this I did not pay him any mind. And B noticed this. This was my mistake, for most of his unbridled rage was taken out on A when none of us were paying attention.

A did not come to me with any of these problems until B forced himself upon him one night, when we were fifteen. He stumbled into my room, flaxen hair tangled and pajamas torn. Tears flowed from his cerulean eyes and blood stained his clothes. I took him into my arms, feeling the wetness from his tears on my shoulder.

"He said he wanted to know what was so special about me," said A. "I told him there was nothing I had that he didn't have, and he..."

"Shh. It is only us."

A buried his face in my chest, clinging onto me like a frightened child. We sat like that in the dark night for hours, just A and L. I felt a strange emotion come over me—a fondness and a want to protect what I held. To this day, I cannot say if I ever truly loved A, but I did develop feelings for him.

We never told Watari about what B did, though I did ask for A to sleep in my room instead. As we were two boys, Watari did not mind us sharing a bed, but he was not without his suspicions. Some mornings, he would find us wrapped in each other's arms like lovers.

I asked that Watari and Roger (a trusted friend of Watari's) keep a close eye on B, and stated that I had a feeling that he had violent intentions against several other orphans. By that time, the number of orphans had increased from D to K. I would talk to a few of them, but I kept my distance. However, I did manage to befriend J, a Brazilian-Portuguese boy who taught me capoeira at my request. If B should ever come near A again, I could defend him.

And through it all, B insisted on getting my attention. He idolized me to the point of insanity, even going so far as to mimic my physical appearance and mannerisms. Most of Wammy's House was disturbed by his behavior and Watari had considered letting B go. But he knew far too much.

"I know your true name," he whispered to me one day. "I know everyone's true name."

Were they the ravings of someone going mad? Even now, I cannot be sure. I chose to ignore him and focused on my work and my relationship with A. By then, we were nearly eighteen.

"L, what do you know of love?" he asked one day.

"I know nothing of love."

"So you wouldn't know if you felt it or not?"

"Love is merely chemical. I suppose you would feel some sort of reaction."

"What if I told you that I feel a reaction all the time?"

"Caused by what?"

His face began to close in on mine.

I received my first kiss out in the fields near the orphanage. I had never felt anything like it—no embrace could do it justice. When our lips touched, it was as though I had received the first drops of water after years of thirst. I wanted more of him, so much more. We sneaked back into the building, running down the hallway towards my room (startling many people along the way, I bet). He locked the door behind us and before I knew it, I was enveloped in his warmth.

* * *

_"Is that what you humans call 'romance'?" asked one Shinigami, laughing. He had just sat down to listen. L smiled._

_"I know nothing of romance, but I have been told that's what it is."_

_ "Sounds mushy to me," said another. "That's probably what that loser felt...what was his name again?"_

_ "Gelus, I think," said a female one. "He was pretty pathetic."_

_ "Hey, guys, let him finish the story!"_

_

* * *

_

I had awoken the next morning alone in my bed. A's side was cold, indicating that he had left long ago. It was five o'clock. I climbed out of the bed and walked through the empty hallways. Everyone was sound asleep and would not wake up for another hour. I heard a groan from the bathroom nearby.

"L."

It was A.

Pushing the door open, I found A in the bathtub, his wrists slashed, a razor in his right hand. He bled profusely from his wounds, and I felt my own blood run cold.

"L," he whispered. I picked him up from the bathtub, cradling him in my arms.

"Don't be afraid. I will get help. Hold on."

"Li...listen...h-he..."

"Don't speak, Aleksei! Hold on!"

I screamed for help, running towards Watari's room. All the orphans in the house opened their doors to see what was wrong. Everything was a blur—Watari called an ambulance, A was taken from my arms, and that was the last time I would see him alive. When I found out that he had died, the world darkened around me. I can honestly say that is when I retreated from everything. I trusted no one else except Watari, the only parent I ever had. I shed L Lawliet completely, becoming L, a shadow behind a single letter.

Everyone was questioned after that. Watari and Roger asked if A had any sort of problems with everyone. Even I was questioned, and that was when I confessed to B's abuse. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was B that killed A, but I had no proof. B's DNA was not found anywhere in the bathroom, and A's wounds suggested that he had committed suicide.

"Well, he did tell me that he was depressed that he couldn't be like L. It was impossible to be his successor. I heard him talk of suicide many times," said B.

Shortly after that, B escaped from the orphanage, never to be seen again until the series of murders in Los Angeles. With the help of Misora Naomi, B was thrown in jail. However, I later found out that he was one of the prisoners that died from a heart attack, certainly from Kira's hand. Am I glad that Kira had taken his life? I am really not sure, and even now, the only part of Aleksei that is clear in my mind is his cool, blue eyes.

* * *

I know now that there is no doubt that what I had seen in Raito is what I had seen in A. The same fire, intelligence, beauty, and ambition. Raito, of course, is far more cunning, a trait that I both admired and hated in him. It was that cunning that allowed Kira to take over, but also made Raito who he was.

Why, I can't say that I ever truly loved Aleksei.

But I know that I love Raito.

My mind felt heavy. Everything came together, even my true feelings. I did not know what feelings really were when I was alive, but I understood them in the void. Raito was my most prominent thought. While all that I was presented with was true, he was the only thing that I believed in. Somewhere under the influence of Kira remained Yagami Raito.

_I believe in you...Raito-kun._

That's when I heard his voice echoing in the darkness.

_L._

I could not see his body, but I felt him surround me...as though he had taken me into his being. I was engulfed in Raito himself. I envisioned his body. Every curve and straight line, every single hair and muscle. It was the first image I had had in what seemed like years in the void.

Raito sat in front of a laptop, with his eyes closed, his breathing slow. I saw my body in the monitor's reflection, but it was a stranger to me. That body was not mine, and yet it moved as I moved, with long fingers stroking the soft skin beneath them. Raito leaned into the touch. It was bizarre...he could feel me, but I could only feel his presence. Was this even happening?

_Raito-kun..._

He sighed quietly. The old body moved again with me as it took Raito into its arms, lips against his ear.

_I'm not really here. Or am I? This cannot be happening. Not with you again._

It was then that the tunnel appeared before me. The pathway that so many have talked about, the hole in the void, leading to the afterlife. I asked myself if it was my belief in Raito that allowed me to escape Nothingness...

* * *

"_Instead, it was all you," concluded L._

_The Shinigami cackled._

_ "Well, we were bored, and Ryuk made a name for himself up here with that Kira business. We wanted to hear about it from you."_

_ "You know, I didn't even know we had that power."_

_ "Hey, I didn't either. Who was it that pulled the human through?"_

_ "Beats me."_

_ L watched the Shinigami talk amongst themselves. Looking up at the cold, gray sky, he thought of Raito. If the Shinigami were able to bring him into their world, they must be able to send him to the world of the living. He looked down at his new form, which was only a shadow of his former body. It was far too strange, but he believed it all. There were no mirrors in the Shinigami world, and he wondered if he would show up in one. Considering his deceased state, it was unlikely._

_Would Raito recognize him?_

_ "Listen," said L, "would it be possible for one of you to send me to Earth?"_

_They cackled again._

_ "Pretty sure we can, but you're gonna have to come back."_

_ "Can't stay there forever."_

_ "You're gonna go see that Kira guy?"_

_L smiled._

_ "No, I'm going to go see Raito."_

* * *

A/N: I can't believe that I neglected this poor little fic for a year and a half. It's actually approaching its second birthday, so I will be making the next chapter the last. It's all fleshed out and yes, it will be as canon as I can make it (sidestepping a few of the rules set in the series). I lost interest in Death Note as a whole, but I can honestly say that coming back to this fic has sparked my interest again. I still love Light and L.

Because I didn't remember exactly where I was going with it, I read it again and noticed a few things:

1. The amount of expository writing.

2. The amount of flowery language.

3. The unnecessary addition of L's mother (though a few people have said they like it).

For all those, I must apologize. I did plan on rewriting this, but it looks like this will remain the final draft of the fic. I would have loved to, since my writing has improved greatly in two years. But just to let you guys know, these last two chapters will be different (though I wrote half of this one a year ago). I will not be writing L's backstory again, since I've inserted it into this fic. Anyway, last chapter is coming up soon...as a heads-up, it won't be as depressing as it would've been. Thank you so much for your comments! Let me know if there are any huge inconsistencies, since it _has_ been quite some time since I've worked on it!


	6. This Shining Field

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. But you knew that already.

This is rated M for sexual situations, and some language, I suppose. I shouldn't have to say that this is a yaoi fic, so if it's not your cup of tea, feel free to exit.

* * *

_We can surely cross over this shining field together  
Right now, I'll hold on to the strength of our entwined fingers  
And I won't let go of your loneliness  
We can surely find a small light deep in the darkness  
Looking for the jewel's sleep  
I believe in the power to overcome the night_

- Marina Inoue, "Jewel"

~ L ~

It's as though I am being broken apart, but there is no pain. A close word for it would be 'dissolution,' but even that is not correct. Piece by piece, I descend from the shinigami world to the Earth. A most curious feeling, one I have never felt before, one that cannot be explained. Every part of me merges with the atmosphere as I come to the ground. Upon taking my first steps, which cannot be felt, I know now that I am a ghost in the world of the living.

Once a need is expressed in the afterlife, you know where the object is that will satisfy it. My need to find Raito manifests itself and I can feel him...no, _see _him. After death, all five senses are gone, but a sixth remains. What I named as my intuition and gift for detective work was heightened after death and now presents itself as a different sort of sight. I can see clearer than before, something I could not achieve with human eyes. My sight and intuition are now one.

I enter the abandoned warehouse where I would find Raito. How fitting for someone like Kira, who will soon be abandoned by his host. They are all there, even my successor, Near. I watch as Matsuda (who was not useless at all, I know that now) takes his final shots at Raito. His shaking body collapses to the floor, the blood flowing from each wound. He howls in pain and rage, his voice reverberating on the rusted walls.

"WHERE ARE YOU MISA? TAKADA!" he calls out, but there is no one to hear his cries.

Kira has fallen.

Had I been alive, I might have predicted it would end this way. Would I have done anything about it? Would I have been like Near, just observing it all in a calm manner? No, none of them in that room had feelings close to what I feel for that dying man. I might have abandoned all reason to come to his aid, though he harbored a criminal within his mind. Most uncharacteristic for L, who derived pleasure from truth and justice.

As a bodiless form, knowing his end has come, there is a sense of peace within me. After the immeasurable time in the world of the dead, there is comfort knowing that he will join me at last. A need that I have expressed, the single most important one, is to have Raito with me again, separated from the world he deemed rotten.

The shinigami, Ryuk, notices my presence. He cackles.

"Well, if it isn't L," he mutters under his breath. He will take Raito soon. I know it. It is the truth.

* * *

~ Light ~

_I was never a murderer, _Kira screams.

Matsuda's shots had reduced me to a bleeding, useless sack of shit. It would not stop the Kira within, who continued to scream at Mikami to write their names down. Though he had been thrown off his pedestal, his godly throne, into the dying body of a human being, he would not give up. He called for his lackeys—Misa, Takada, Mikami—as I bleed out onto the concrete, the pain overpowering all my senses.

_They're all gone, Kira. We're the only ones left, _I say to him.

_But I'M GOD!_

_Who are you kidding? We were never God, Kira. What else were we but a human with a notebook? You were nothing. I was nothing. In the end, we both will die. Ryuk said so. Anyone who uses the notebook will neither go to heaven or hell, and they certainly won't die happy._

_The world is still rotting! I still have work to do!_

_The world may be rotting, but neither of us can change that. You're not God._

_What the hell is wrong with you, Yagami? Get up and do something!_

I closed my eyes.

_We will die here. We deserve to die for what we did to everyone. We deserve to die for what we did to L._

I wondered if he was watching my life fading away...

But Kira would not have it. He would not die there. With the last bit of my energy, we bolted out the door, trailing blood on the pavement. The sun had begun to set, filling every inch of sky with violet and red. The world passed by in a blur. So fitting for the end of my life, which had barely begun. The pain and fatigue was too much to bear, but it was my punishment. Kira didn't want to die, but I didn't want to live either.

What would my life have been without him? Would I have been normal? Would I have gone to school as normal students do? Gotten a job, gotten married, had children? Would I have eventually met L and fallen in love with him as Yagami Raito? Would he have died so soon? The questions kept coming. The past came up in glimpses, a past as a regular human being. I knew the world was rotting back then, but I was powerless. There was nothing I could do but live my life.

And I was happy.

I stumbled a bit, feeling my body slowing down and giving in. Was there anything positive about my life after the Death Note?

Yes.

L was the greatest thing that Kira could have ever given to me, no, the _only_ thing that Kira had given me. I had the pleasure and excitement of meeting someone that was my equal, someone that was the most incredible person, someone other than me that outshined all of humanity. If it weren't for the Death Note, we would have never met. I would have seen him on the street, possibly, and would have never taken another glance at him. Another strange face in a sea of strange faces.

I noticed that Kira had not said anything since I left the warehouse. He was gone, and Yagami Raito was the only one left.

_I'm no longer Kira. _It was a truth that I was sure even L would believe.

With all the strength I could muster, I made my way into another abandoned warehouse. Though I bled profusely, the pain was slowly leaving. I lay on the rusty steps, my body tired and weak. The weight that was Kira had been lifted, but I was exhausted. I could not go on much longer, and it was useless to try. That's when I knew I would die there alone, not at all like a god. I only hoped that I would go quietly into the darkness. Ryuk wouldn't wait for me to die. Who knows how long it would take if I was locked up in prison, and I knew he wouldn't hang around. Any second now, he would write down my name...not Kira, but Yagami Raito. Would I see L again? Was that possible?

_You will not go to heaven or hell. You will go to Nothing._

And L appeared before me. The world went black, and I saw a blinding light.

And I knew that Ryuk had done it.

* * *

"L Lawliet."

I uttered his true name, as though I knew it all along.

He was the light, no longer blinding, but utterly beautiful. L was pure light. He was stripped of his human form, a single soul with the power to illuminate the darkness. My darkness. I felt his warmth surrounding my being, whatever I had become. Was this the afterlife? Was this heaven? No, I thought. I don't deserve to go to heaven. I had done too much, made too many people suffer by my hands.

"You will not stay in the void."

I noticed that he spoke to me in a manner that was beyond human speech, almost as though we communicated through our minds, merging into one single entity. It was an inconceivable though for someone like me, but I knew it to be true. The feeling was far too splendid and my soul ached in the belief that it would soon be over for me. After all, a murderer cannot go to heaven. I wasn't going into the void, but somewhere far worse.

"Though all humans go to Nothingness, we will be sent elsewhere. But you know this. You can feel it, can't you?"

He was right. I couldn't deny it any longer. Something wonderful was ahead, and I knew the truth of everything. I knew how much he loved me, though he was afraid to say it while we were alive, or even admit it to himself. It was love that shone in the darkness, love that would bring me out of it. That was why he had come back for me and spared me from the hopelessness of Nothing.

"I don't deserve this."

"Whether or not you deserve it is of no concern to me. You felt remorse at the end of your life, and that warrants exemption."

"But what I did to you is unforgivable."

"I have eternity and I have you. All is forgiven."

"So you really have come for me, L? But why?"

"You already know why. What reason do you have to ask questions now?"

"But—"

"I've been given permission. Their only request is that you tell them what transpired on Earth, as I have done already. From there, we will return."

"Return? To where?"

"You'll see soon."

"Even though I was Kira?"

If a smile could be felt, I felt it within L.

"You were never truly Kira. Light was there all along."

"Do I appear to you like you appear to me?"

"You're even more brilliant."

* * *

"And so it ends, " said Light.

He looked to L, missing the beautiful light that hid behind his human image. The translucent eyes, as wide as they were in the world of the living, bore into him, but they were still beautiful. Perhaps even more so, now that all that was left of L was his unyielding spirit.

They had retained their ghostly forms in the shinigami world, for the shinigami could not adjust to the blinding light. It was a curious thing that Light was slowly adjusting to, accepting that all he was experiencing was the truth. Had anyone told him on Earth that all these things were true, he would have laughed in their face. Kira would be convinced there was no other god in existence but himself.

"I think Ryuk had the best time out of all of us," said one shinigami.

"Even though he had to do something stupid for it?" asked another.

"At least he did something exciting."

One of the shinigami turned to Light and L. "So, what'cha gonna do now?"

"We're going to return," said L.

"Lucky day for you two. That doesn't happen often."

"Yeah, I wonder what you did to deserve it."

"Maybe Ryuk put in a favor? I heard some shinigami can do that."

"You think he's that nice?"

"Hahaha, you're right. It's probably not him."

As the shinigami talked amongst themselves, Light noticed L walking towards what appeared to be a swirling portal. He followed behind him, and the shinigami world disappeared.

* * *

Light felt himself merging once again with L, as though he were in a cocoon that was purely L. He did not know how long they remained that way, but he did not want it to end. The times that they were intimate could never compare. As a human being, Light could never connect to L like this. Human bodies were walls, each their own, without any possibility of combining.

Never too much, it was just enough. _This_, thought Light, _is heaven to me_.

"What we believe manifests here," said L. "What we want also manifests here."

"You know what I want."

"A world where we are no longer Light and L."

"I know now where we're going. I guess I knew all along."

"This is our second chance. We will go back, but we cannot go together. It will be a small price to pay."

"Then I'll do my best to find you, L."

"And I will do the same, Light."

* * *

From the second story, a young boy looked out the window of his classroom. He watched as the autumn leaves fluttered to the cold ground. A sense of déjà vu came over him, as though he had done the same exact thing before. Shaking off the weird feeling, he focused on a boy, pale and blonde, running on the campus grounds. It looked like he was late for class. His heart pounded loudly in his chest.

_I've seen him before, but where?_

"Lucas, would you please pay attention?" asked his teacher, glaring at him from the front of the classroom. Several students giggled.

"Sorry."

But he could not get the blonde boy out of his mind.

* * *

Lucas walked down the steps, his classes finished for the day. The windows of the building were covered in raindrops. He slowed down, reluctant to walk home in the rain. It was a good thing that he had his coat.

_I hate this English weather, _he thought. _I wish I could move somewhere else. Like Japan._

He chuckled at that thought. There was something about Japan that he really liked, but he never knew what it was about it that was so appealing. Maybe he was Japanese in a past life. He turned a corner and walked out the front doors.

Out in the field, he noticed the blonde boy from that morning standing in the pouring rain. He looked up to the sky as passers-by stared and whispered amongst themselves. There was a lost look on his face, but Lucas wasn't sure exactly what was to be found in the heavy clouds. Covering his books with his jacket, he ran out into the rain to meet the boy.

"You there, don't you know it's raining out here?" asked Lucas. He felt his heart beating wildly.

"Don't you hear the bells? They're loud today," said the boy.

"Are you mad? There aren't any bells ringing!"

"I can clearly hear them." The boy turned his gaze from the sky to see Lucas. His blue eyes widened. "But it's you. It has to be you."

Lucas felt his cheeks grow hot.

_He's beautiful._

He shook his head, putting the ridiculous thought out of his mind. "I don't know what you're on about, but let's get you out of the rain."

Lucas walked the boy back into the school and into the nearest bathroom. They dried off in silence, but Lucas could feel the boy's stare. Certainly, they had known each other before. Why else would he say "it's you"? Maybe if he knew his name, then he would remember?

"My name is Lucas. Yours?"

"Lawliet."

Lucas howled with laughter.

"What kind of a name is that? What was your mum thinking?"

"She says she saw it in a dream, in a message. I think it suits me, even if you don't think so."

They were both thirteen, but to Lucas, Lawliet seemed like an adult. It was unnerving.

"Where do I know you from?" asked Lucas, walking out the door with him. Outside, the rain had eased up.

"I think I've dreamt about you, but it's as though you didn't look like that."

Lucas looked at him.

"That's the same feeling I've got, Lawliet."

"I've got to go home," said the blonde boy. "Will you come?"

"To your house?"

"I would like it if you did."

* * *

Lawliet was strange, Lucas thought. He walked with his hands in his pockets and wouldn't stand upright. He didn't even have any socks on, which Lucas was sure that the teachers chastised him about.

On their way, the boys walked past an old abandoned mansion. The windows were boarded up, the grass overgrown, and the gates rusted. The sign read "Wammy's House," but Lucas was unsure of what sort of house it used to be. Lawliet did not turn his eyes away from the strange building. He stopped.

"What is it?" asked Lucas.

"I've been here before. But I can't remember when. Strange, I always pass this house on the way home."

"That's impossible. It's been abandoned for decades."

"But I've been sent here for a reason. I'm ninety-nine percent sure." Lawliet put his right thumb against his lip.

"What...ninety...fine, I won't ask." Lucas shook his head.

"Don't you see him? There, in the yard?"

Lawliet pointed to an old man with the whitest hair that Lucas had ever seen. He did look familiar, but Lucas was convinced that he'd never met him. Everything was getting stranger and he blamed it on Lawliet's presence. And that name! Even that was strange!

_His company is probably no good, but it feels like I have to be with him_, thought Lucas.

He glanced again at the man, who was playing with some toy in his hand. The old man looked up with frightening black eyes. A chill ran down Lucas' spine.

_It's nice to meet the second L._

The voice of a boy about his age echoed through his memory, a lost one that he could not put his finger on.

"C-can we please leave? I've got a bad feeling, Lawliet."

The blonde boy nodded.

They walked off, distancing themselves from Wammy's House. As they came closer to the boy's house, Lucas felt comfort in Lawliet. Not only comfort, but relief, as though he had been looking for him. The search was finally over. Lucas smiled, feeling a fluttering in his chest. He was chained to Lawliet, had been since before he was born. What an odd thing to know, but he knew it. And he was happy.

"The only comfort is the moving of the river," he whispered. Lawliet turned to him.

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all."

**End**

* * *

A/N: It's done! Though, I have to admit, this wasn't the original ending! I felt that the original ending was far too happy and sunshiny and over-the-top (similar to the dream that they had in the beginning of the fic), so I was drawn to this one. I feel that it's happy, but a little subtler. After all they've been through, they deserve that at least! I hope it's not hated _too _much, lol. Thank you all for the comments and for reading this at least, since this was my first long fic in years (and not my strong suit)! Hopefully, I'll continue to improve and maybe write more Light/L in the future. :)


	7. Extra: Blood Roses

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. But you knew that already.

This is rated M for sexual situations, and some language, I suppose. I shouldn't have to say that this is a yaoi fic, so if it's not your cup of tea, feel free to exit.

* * *

_God knows I've thrown away those graces..._

- Tori Amos, "Blood Roses"

I knew his secret all along. He thought I didn't know these things. They all did. Misa's the idiot, the ditz, the _girl_ who had nothing else going on in her head except Raito. Maybe it's true. Maybe I really was an idiot. But not about that.

At first, it was only a guess. I didn't want to believe that my Raito even so much looked at Ryuuzaki-san in that way. It was gross, ridiculous, and perverted. No, Raito hates Ryuuzaki-san, I thought. There's no way in hell that anything would be going on between them. They were too different...Raito was everything a girl could want, while _Ryuuzaki-san_...

I can leave it like that. You know what I'm getting at.

If that was true, if Raito hated Ryuuzaki-san, then why did I see that look in his eyes? It was sparkling, alive, and most of all, _confused_. I thought to myself, "Misa, that's a really dumb thought. Raito's not gay. He loves Misa. He will always love Misa! Not that gross pervert!" But the more I tried convincing myself, the more I saw that look in his eyes.

I would see the dark bruises on Ryuuzaki-san. They insisted it was because they fought. No, I had a thought as to why. Those weren't bruises. Misa's not an idiot. And it's not like Ryuuzaki-san could do _that _to anyone in his position (and it was funny, because who would do _that _to him in the first place), chained to my Raito. The thought made me sick.

Chained to my Raito.

Raito and Ryuuzaki-san.

_My _Raito.

I hated Ryuuzaki-san, probably more than Raito. He was always there and insisted on going nowhere. All of my Raito's time was spent with the pervert. I didn't know why I wanted Ryuuzaki-san to die so much, but I tried to push the thought away. Instead, I kissed him on the cheek (oh, how could anyone resist a kiss from Misa!) and offered to be his friend.

Friends. Maybe that's all they were.

Him and my Raito.

No, I realized later, after they were gone. They never were just friends.

As I stand on this bridge, I fight to remember just why I loved him so much, or even how I met him. The memories have faded so much over this past year. His face is still in my mind, as well as Ryuuzaki-san's. But there's nothing else, only the painful feelings and the outcomes, the knowledge that he was never really mine. They told me that he screamed my name before he died. I don't believe that at all. If there were any name that he would scream, it would have been "Ryuuzaki."

I miss you, Raito-chan.

Would I see any of them again? Or will I see nothing?

I guess it's time. I won't see them again.

They will only see each other.

That's all they ever saw.

* * *

A/N: This was a one-shot I wrote as a companion to this fic, though it was set after the fourth chapter and did not include her suicide. Just thought I'd post it for a little bit of Misa insight, since I actually feel bad for her!


End file.
